(AN ELDEREPI)

                                            By Jo

DIRECTLY CONTINUED FROM THE END OF "HANDOMONIUM"

Standing on Arthur's shoulders, Hando lifted Andrea up through the opening, into the

light. Thank goodness the passing streetcar was a few inches to the left! Hando pulled

himself through and then, only because Andrea asked him so nicely with her eyes so full

of unspoken promises, he reached back down for Arthur. Together, the three of them

turned, not quite able to believe....
********
the sight of the hundreds upon hundreds of Peeps and characters who were milling about,

gazing at the sun.
 

"Do you think...?" Lucilla asked. "Could it be...?"
 

"It MIGHT be...." added Grecian Mary. "But...."
 

"Yes! It IS! It HAS to be!" warbled Juditha.
 

"Why?" asked Bert logically. "Why does it have to be? I was, not 10 seconds gone by,

inspecting a wallaby for fleas some 350 miles southwest of Alice Springs. How do I even

KNOW it is...or that it even COULD be?"
 

"Well, I think it's quite logical," Diz added. "Didn't 'she' go see 'that' movie twice recently? Given that, don't you think this is logical?"
 

"But it wasn't that good of a movie," PJV chimed in helpfully.
 

"Do you think 'she' would let THAT stop her?" Lucilla answered back, months of hard-

gained knowledge tucked away in her backpack.
 

"When has anything EVER stopped her?"
 

"She's right," Cap'n Jack stated in a voice that brooked no further discussion. "It IS!"
 

So all the Peeps, including Andrea, Hando, and Arthur, looked as one toward the rising

sun. Where ELSE did roads wend their way up cedar-spired green hillsides quite in that manner? It was...it truly, truly WAS....the sun was Tuscan!

Once the general astonishment had abated somewhat, everyone began to smile. Hmmmmm?

The sun was Tuscan alrighty...and, by George, they were UNDER it! How bad could it be?

If Andrea's jaw were not still quite so swollen, she might have answered that.  As it was,

Hando, whose jaw was working fine (Andrea had checked), growled, "Hey! I was in the

sewers of Malta! How did I get to this here Tusky place?" His seagreen eyes darted about

in suspicion.
 

Just then Jo appeared from behind a particularly large sunflower plant, the General of

the Armies of the North beside her, a few stray yellow petals still clinging to his well-

trimmed beard. She smiled in that sweet, beguiling way that so belied her penchant for

torturing certain Peeps.
                                               

"You, my dear Melbourne Maniac, are just upset that the epi title has been changed from Handomonium after so few chapters." Batting her eyes at the LondonToothSufferess (Ando,

in real life had had a terrible experience with a German dentist in Portugal), Jo continued. "And you wish to know how you managed to be transported from Maltese effluence to

Tuscan affluence, do you not?"

 She took his growl as an affirmative. "Well," she explained brightly, "it's all Ridley Scott's doing."

Many hundreds of pairs of eyeballs narrowed. "Yes, it was entirely his concept, not mine at

all!"
 

Turning, she gestured toward a lovely valley, wheat fields lining both sides of its lane which

led up to a pink- stoned villa on the further hilltop. "This was Maximus' home in his celluloid incarnation. This was Spain. Of course, we all know it was actually Tuscany pretending to

be Spain."

Hundreds of heads nodded in agreement.
 

"Then," Jo continued, "there was the scene where Maximus' horse dies and he staggers on

foot to the remains of the entrance to his villa." Again her hand gestured toward the distant villa.

"BUT," she added, "THAT scene was filmed on MALTA!"

"Yeah," grumped Hando, "what's that got to do with anything?"

"Simply this, my tattooed tiger, that Malta can BE Tuscany as Tuscany can be Spain. Ergo,

that part of Malta you and your two...er...partners...found yourselves in was none other than that part of Malta that likes to pretend it's Tuscany... so...voila...the lane up yonder Tuscan

hill ends in Malta. And, so ending, is but a few minutes walk from here...so why would there

be any problem at all in getting you three from there to here?"
 

Sue the sometimes Vile looked down where Andrea had fallen face-first in the field, crushing several young wheat stalks to death in  the process.  Sue figured that when the Londoner

stopped pounding her fists into the ground, she might help her to her feet.  Jo did have a tendency to set Andrea off like that from time to time...well, more times than not, actually.
 

Bert would not be so easily appeased, however. She knew that Alice Springs had never tried

to pass itself off as either Spain OR Tuscany and there was NO simple explanation for how

those Peeps and characters who had been in Oz and not in Chicago had gotten themselves on

this green hillside.
 

"How..."she began, but Jo placed her hand on Bert's shoulder and whispered softly, "Just

go with it, Bert, just go with it."
 

"Well, OK," Bert replied, "but since I presume we are all here to restore some Tuscan villa, what will we use for funds?"
 

"Ah," Jo said, "I knew the matter of money would come up so I carefully arranged in advance

to take the proceeds from the sale of Andrea's 4 story London abode, Wanda's tractor shed, Audrey's liberry, Sunnie's garage, Buggie's basket hoard, Diz's haggis, my turkey flock, Lucilla's bake sale...and we have a good four million to play around with. And we don't even NEED to hire the descendants of Roman gods to do the work since we have all the characters
who will be more than willing to shed their shirts and sweat nicely for us under the Tuscan

sun."
 

Several hundred heads nodded in unison. This might not be so bad after all. Even Andrea

had stopped pounding the ground. That was always a good sign.
 

So, the entire massed grouping of Peeps and characters headed off through the wheat field, looking for a run-down rose-stoned villa for sale that would house 1600. They had not gone

far when...

part 2

...Lucilla shouted out excitedly, "There it is! There it IS!!!"
 

Every eye followed her wildly wagging index finger. Had she found an appropriately-sized

....and pink-stoned....and for sale...villa, they wondered. Was the soil black...black like ...like ...Andrea's roots? Were there poplars and ripe figs and were all praetorians far, far away?

1600 hearts rose all together with such sudden expectation that the force of it shook the tall, square towers of nearby San Gimignano, that hard-to-spell Italian town perched so adorably

on yon hilltop.

But, no, alas...as was usual in episodic life, the easy way was not to be theirs. It was, however,

as it turns out, a good thing the former hostess had shouted and everyone had looked, else

most likely at least one or two Peeps, if not more, might have been crushed by the 20 foot

wide chocolate chip cookie rolling down the slope directly in their path.

Bert, wouldn't you just know, pointed out practically the impracticality of a 20 foot wide chocolate chip cookie being ANYWHERE in the world, much less rolling down a slope

toward the massed Peeps. But, on second thought, she knew that since this was an epi, it

was all perfectly reasonable. As it, indeed, was.
 

For, as yet unknown to the Peeps, the villa they were about to discover behind the next

olive grove, was a full million dollars more expensive than they had calculated. So, quite reasonably, were it not for the 20 foot wide chocolate chip cookie plopping on its side

harmlessly right at the tip of Sue the Sometimes Vile's black boot and the subsequent sale

for exactly one million dollars of said cookie to the strange man who appeared on the white horse through the vineyard to the left and offered the fortune he just happened to have in

his saddlebag on the spot for the cookie, however...I ask you...HOWEVER would they then

have been able to BUY the perfect villa???

Once the cash was moved from the saddlebag to one of BugMomPug's sturdy baskets, the

Peeps moved onward once again, their moving being somehow reminiscent of a cloud of

locusts if seen from above. As, of course, it WAS being seen by the desperate and tattered

man with the broken hoe in his hand, standing as he was atop the crumblily leaning pink-

stone wall of the particularly large villa several hundred yards up the slope.

The Peeps moved and curved together in that Borg-like way large flocks of migrating

pelicans have. It almost looked like a ballet if one had no idea whatsoever what a ballet

was supposed to look like.

The man, Pietro del Floreswiltadoa, smiled, his few remaining teeth glinting greyly in the sunlight. He looked down beneath his bare feet to the crumbly rocks of the leaning wall of

what once had been a fairly decent bath house. Perhaps, if fortune favored him, he would

not have to finish tearing down the wall with his broken hoe handle. Perhaps... yes...perhaps

he could even SELL the villa and retire to Detroit.  Such were his wild dreams!  Was it

possible? Would the approaching cloud of...of...of...what WERE they anyway?? Many of

them wore caps with the strange lettering "TOFOG" on them. Ah, they would not speak

Italian, then, most likely. Tofoggian was unknown to him, alas.
 

Then his eyes caught sight of Maximus. "Ah," he thought, "A Roman... a rather out-of-date one...but he might still speak Italian." Little did he know that Maximus spoke only English, Spanish, Latin, and Tofoggian.
 

Swirling to a halt at the base of the leaning pink-stoned wall, the Peeps arrived. Lucilla

greeted him brightly, "Chow!" That Lucilla, always thinking about food and cooking!!! It

was amazing that she had even been willing to let the 20 foot wide chocolate chip cookie out

of her grasp. She had let it go, probably, because it's poison content was too low to be of

use to her.

No matter that they did not speak a common language, when the PugBasket with it's

million dollars and the other millions they had collected earlier were presented to Pietro,

he whipped out the deed, signed it, and ran off chortling, "Detroit! Detroit!" Such was the

ease with which one could buy villas in Italy.

"Er..." Diz said when Pietro's parting dust had settled, "do you think we should have

maybe peeked inside.. first?"

But Mary Beth just lowered her eyebrows meaningfully and said softly, "No...we can't go

back."

"Oh? Ok!" Diz replied, "Since that's the case...er...WHY is that the case...er...well, anyway ...let's go inside and see what we have bought!"

Ten minutes later, after Maximus, Jack, Bud and Terry had managed to remove the 17

broken beams across the large doorway and Hando had collected the fleeing rats for further...er...use, the Peeps and characters stepped into the grand foyer of their very own

Tuscan villa.

Had it not been for the olive tree that had taken root in the center of the floor and the

several goats standing on the windowsill, the room was actually not ALL that bad. And

if you discounted the soot and ashes from a recent fire and the fact that the roof was gone

and the fireplace was filled with rotting goose eggs, why...it was even rather cozy!

Andrea put one foot on the bottom step of a curving staircase, wishing all the while its

railing were not missing and that at least a few nails were still holding the steps in place,

and began to ascend when....
 

part 3
 
....Sue the sometimes Vile shrieked out a warning, "BATS!"
 

Andrea fell backward off the bottom step, luckily landing in a nicely soft pile of stucco

flakes. She was not amused, though, when Sue burst into laughter and Andrea saw the CortCaresser was merely pointing at Jo, Juditha, and Audrey. 

Neither were they. Jo narrowed her blue eyes to hide the storm clouds gathering therein.

She was not one to let PeepToads see such gatherings...not until the timing was right. Sue

had been way, way too quiet of late and Jo knew it would take a bit of  cloud-bursting to

wash away her accumulated dust. But not yet.
    

Ute, looking around at the...um...disrepair....decided immediately on the course of action

she would take to offer help. "Hey, gang," she purred innocently, "Jeffrey, Steve, and I

are going over to the neighbor villa to borrow a cup of soy sauce."

Bert's eyes narrowed...ack...all that eye narrowing already...."SOY sauce? You think we

need SOY SAUCE.....right NOW??" she spluttered, looking about at the olive tree, the

rotting goose eggs, the lack of a roof, the goats, and Andrea in the stucco flakes.

Ute's eyes narrowed in response. "You KNOW," she fairly huffed, "My Jeffrey MUST

have his soy sauce at all times! I am just looking after my character's well-being." 

Bert would have narrowed her eyes, but they had remained like that so she just left them

in that state as she retorted, "What about Steve? Why are you taking HIM to look for soy

sauce? I don't recall any soy sauce whatsoever in Breaking Up." 

"Don't worry about that," Leah piped up, clutching a large damp piece of terrycloth. "I

have his towel...he's not going anywhere... and especially not with HER!"   

Arthur, by the window, petting a goat, said softly, "I like soy sauce."
 

"You do NOT!" Andrea said firmly as she got to her feet, stucco flakes clinging like

hanging chads to her gown. "I'LL tell you what you do and do not like!" 

Hando grinned widely. "That Andrea...you can tell she's been hanging out with me for

a long time now," he said proudly as he reached into his pocket to smooth a bit of rat fur.
   

Just then Lucilla came back from the kitchen, holding half of a burnt pot holder. "Don't

need soy sauce, Ute," she pronounced. "Kitchen's gone."
 

"Gone? What do you mean the kitchen's GONE??" shouted BugPugMom. "I was gonna

hang my basket collection decoratively from its ceiling rafters!"
 

"Ceilings there, DogMom," Lucilla explained, "that's all...just the ceiling."
 

"Oh, good," MomPug sighed, "You had me scared there for a minute."
 

"Er....Lucilla?" Phyllis added. "What's holding UP the ceiling?"

Lucilla's eyes rolled and she shook her head from side to side as she replied, "Don't ask,

Phyllis. You don't want to know."
   

All heads turned at a sudden creaking sound. Terry and annsmac were heading up what

was left of the staircase. "Where are YOU going?" Annette asked, her voice dripping with suspicion.

"Er.....well....,"annsmac replied, "Terry's...er...equipment....needs...er...tending... before

he can start villa repairs, you know." 

"Oh, let them go," Jo said with a wave of her hand. "Terry's equipment has never been

tended in Tuscany...well, as far as I know anyway." 

Hmmmm? Why did that little giggle of remembrance escape annsmac's lips like that?
   

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Maximus had grasped the olive tree by its trunk and uprooted it. Too bad about those thousands of mosaic floor tiles. But, then, Audrey DID

have all that liberry paste with her.  Maximus had stuffed the olive tree out the large

window, sweeping the goats out with it.

"Hey!" Arthur shouted, "be careful there!"

"Why," Andrea retorted, "Did Maximus get your goat?" It was sadly obvious the Londoner

was still in some sort of 'mood' after having been in the sewer system for so long. But did

she have to take it out on the poor Welsh lad, defenseless as he was?
   

Countess Patricia was studying a partially crumbled statue in one corner of Emperor Commodus playing golf. As she ran her forefinger down the line of Commodus' club, she remarked to the nearby Alex, "Hmmmm? Wait until the folks at St. Andrews hear about

this." 

Alas, though, there would be no proof that Commodus and not the Scots had invented golf...

not once Maximus caught sight of the statue. The General of the Armies of the North was

filled with memories of how the evil Emperor, when still a lad, had used tiny armadillos...

living armadillos...to swat around his garden paths with that golf club. It had been one of

the first of the many indicators to come that he was not a moral man. 

In three long strides, Maximus was beside the statue, had scooped it up and was heading

for the window, intending to toss it out in the trail of the olive tree.

"GOATS!" shouted Arthur..."remember the goats!"

Maximus stopped, never having been fond of goat-crushing, not even when in Germania.

NOW what should he do with the blasted thing?

"Here," a voice chimed in from nowhere...well, not actually nowhere...it was Brooklyn...

and BrooklynBasedEmily, who seldom visited Peepdom these days but spent her time

writing Phoenix haiku on cloth napkins, appeared in the doorway. "Here," she repeated,

"I'LL take it."

Jo sighed. Now she would have to send a separate copy of the epi to Brooklyn just so's the flamenco dancing spy professor could see it.

Maximus placed the Commodus statue a bit roughly in BrooklynBasedEmily's large red

Radio Flyer wagon, commenting, "As long as I never have to lay eyes on it again!"

"Gotcha!" Emily smiled happily as she darted off over the hills toward Brooklyn, the statue bouncing along behind her in the wagon.
     

No sooner had the last puffs of Emily's wagon dust disappeared than a loud rumbling noise began to rise up under the villa. The characters and Peeps could hardly remain standing

as what was left of the floor began to shake violently.

Bert shouted, "Oh, NOOOO! It's...it's a........"
 

part 4

....well, it couldn't be an earthquake, drat it, as Berti had used the word "a" and all good

Peeps knew that Berti's grammatical usage was always correct, so she would have said

"an" and NOT "a"...so the whole earthquake thingie bit the dust as a beginning for epi 4, leaving us with either a mass of Chinese who had finally tunneled their way through the

core of the earth OR....

"...it's a.....eruption of the Italian aquifer!!!!" 

Jo narrowed her eyes at her southern friend. "A, Berti? A eruption????" 

Bert, busily scampering across the scattered mosaic tiles towards the doorway, merely

stuck her tongue out at Jo. "You'll hafta blame THAT one on the epi writer," she shouted

back over her shoulder, "SHE'S the one who puts words in my mouth!" 

Jo, meanwhile, was thinking that a earthquake might actually have been more easily dealt

with in this scenario than a eruption of a Italian aquifer. Oh, well...it was too late now. It

had already been typed.  Onward!
     

No sooner had the massed Peeps and characters dived out the door and rolled down the

rose-colored stone steps and into the pen from whence the little grouplings of window

goats had escaped earlier, than a fountainous jet of water shot up through the living room

of their newly-purchased Tuscan villa.
 

Sitting there as they all were, amidst the by-products of goat digestion, they watched in

some amazement how Arthur and the seven roosters, all of whom had been too slow in their

 villa escape, bobbled around like lottery ping pong balls atop the 300 foot high column of escaping aquifer.

"How can we get him safely down?" asked French Rose in great concern, good-hearted as

she always was. Her lovely Gallic eyes narrowed, though, as she spotted the delighted look
in Hando's seagreen orbs.

Annette, however, spoke up, "Let me show you how we handle this Texas-style," and with

that, whipped out her oil well capping capper thingie all good Texans always keep closely

about their person in one location or another. Lips pressed firmly together in determination,

the Texas lass strode fearlessly back into the villa and within 36 seconds, the aquifer was

capped and Arthur was sitting wetly atop the large wardrobe that had fallen some years

ago from the bedroom that had once occupied the space above the missing roof of the living room.
   

"Oh, LOOK!" cried Juditha in joy as she saw the large, wooden wardrobe, "I bet it's filled

with old fur coats!" 

Jo, not having written any lions or witches into the epi, but only the wardrobe, was not so

sure. And, moreover, this wardrobe was in Tuscany and not Britain so how was one even

to expect it would contain old fur coats, much less lamp posts by snow-laden evergreens, as

Jo figured in her heart that Juditha was hoping.

But Juditha was well aware of the Tuscanyishness of this present wardrobe and she was

hoping for something a bit different than lamp posts and snow-laden evergreens. Lickety-

split and she had flung wide its doors, standing there with an expectant grin on her face as

she saw the rows of Napoleonic-era British naval captain's uniforms within.
 

Unbeknownst to any other Peep, Juditha had once hidden inside this very wardrobe with Maximus that night Jo had bolted from inside the door of the Captain's cabin aboard the Surprise so that Lucilla might not interrupt her with offerings of raspberry pies. Juditha

had instantly recognized the large dent in the left door, made as a result of....well, things

better left unsaid. Let us just tell that she and Maximus had been startled by the sudden

thud as Jack and Jo...well....the captain's quarters were not all THAT large, you know.
 

Juditha did not really care how the captain's wardrobe had gotten from the Surprise to

the wet Tuscan room, she only cared that it was there and how well her offlist comment

to Jo had panned out for her. Only she and Maximus knew that beyond the neat row of

uniforms lay the not-at-all-snowy entrance to his Spanish rose gardens where it was

always softly moonlit and never winter.

She turned, her eyes seeking out the epi writer's, asking wordlessly if it would be all right if........Yes, the epi writer nodded in a silent go ahead. Taking the General of the Armies

of the North by one large hand, Juditha pushed aside a pair of TWP's and the two of them disappeared.
   

"BLAST!" shouted Andrea, wiping goat digestion remains from her backside. "WHY are

you always so nice to HER and so very, very un-nice to ME?" 

Jo just smiled, thinking how well the Londoner looked decorated like that, and that it was

just more fun to put the ex-Welshwoman in pickles than in roses.

In fact, at that very moment, a large pumpkin vine was twining its way in through the

window behind Andrea and had curled its little green tendrils all through her hair. Andrea, presuming the Melbourne lad was running his fingers through her tresses, did nothing to

stop the onward progress of the twining tendrils. From his perch atop the wardrobe,

though, Arthur could see what was unfolding, epily-speaking, and leapt valiantly atop his compatriotess, biting frantically through the prickly, fibrous tendrils.
 

Andrea, presuming wrongly again, of course, that the WBV had gone bonkers as a result

of the severe beating he had taken from wet rooster wings, began to pound his cardiganed

back with her high heel as the unlikely couple rolled over and over across the living room

floor, loosened mosaic tiles sticking to them as they went. It was a sight only to be seen in

an episode, thank goodness!
 

They crashed into Ute's legs, causing her to spill the entire contents of her borrowed cup

of soy sauce on Andrea's chest. Ute was livid! She had managed to completely roll down

the rose-colored stone steps of the villa and out into the goat pen without spilling a single

drop. Jeffrey had been so proud of her! And now THIS! Her Germanic eyes narrowed into

tiny slits as she gazed down at the strange couple at her feet.

The last of the precious soy sauce was being absorbed into Andrea's sequined bodice and

sucked irretrievably into the silken fibers of her lace bustier. Not only that, but Jeffrey

seemed a bit too interested in the final destination of his soy sauce. Ute was so angry that

smoke began puffing out her ears. She had not really stopped to think it through, but that

turned out to be the perfect response as Jeffrey would ever and always be distracted by

the presence of smoke. 

Instantly his eyes swerved to his beloved's head as he clapped both large hands over her

ears. Speaking softly, his lips brushing her right cheekbone, he said, "My love, smoking

is NEVER the answer to stressful situations." 

"Yeah, RIGHT!" snorted Andrea, getting to her feet and looking for the entrance to the

wine cellar. Still carrying one high heel in her hand, she hobbled rather crab-like toward

an arched doorway made of heavy, nail- studded oak. Clutching the rusty iron ring that

served as its handle, she gave a mighty tug. Not a single person in the room was prepared

for what was on the other side as the door swung open on its creaky hinges. It....

part 5

...was staggering in its very unexpectedness. Andrea tottered on one spiked heel, using the

other to sweep away the thick layers of cobwebs to reveal, yes, the newest also-totally-outta-place inhabitant of Tuscany...Joe UnMillionaire, the well-muscled though not overly well-brained lad chosen to fool unsuspecting European beauties into thinking he was worth 80 million.
 

"Wha..what..are YOU doing Under the TuscPeep Sun, Joe?" the Londoner asked, part of

her hoping that he would not actually answer. One must excuse Andrea for not knowing

Joe's name was not Joe, but was David. Jo, however, obviously did know Joe's name was

David and not Joe as people whose names are Jo but without that final "e" are usually

aware of the finer nuances of Joedom. But I digress.

Andrea's thoughts wandered past JoeDavid and on into the dark, damp recesses of the

tunnel to the wine cellar. How similar it was to the Maltese sewer system she, Hando,

and Arthur had come to call home. What was it the young Texas lad was mumbling anyway...something about a rose-colored Tuscan villa on a hill?

Andrea had had her fill of rose-colored Tuscan villas atop hills. She yearned once more

for the gentle drip...drip...dripping off clammy, dimly-lit walls. Bert, however, who paid attention always to the details of matters at hand, had noticed how quickly Ute had tucked

her empty soy sauce cup away out of sight inside Jeffrey's left cheek where no one would

notice it. Bert had been hanging with Bud too long, it would seem. Her extraordinarily perceptive eyeballs then noted how mesmerized JoeDavid had become by the last molecules

of spilled soy sauce absorbing into Andrea's lace bustier. Ah, YES! Now it all made sense!

(It DID?) JoeDavid's Tuscan villa had been the neighboring Tuscan villa where Ute had

gone to borrow the cup of sauce.

She HAD "borrowed" it, hadn't she? From the look on JoeDavid's face, one began to wonder.

It was not all that often one saw a look of such over-spreading and complete horror on the tanned face of young Texas rodeo professionals. All 16 gorgeous beauties were forgotten as JoeDavid grabbed Andrea's brown-stained bustier in both large hands and screamed wildly, "My SAUCE!!! She's absorbing my SAUCE!!"

Jo, having known for some time that the former Welshwoman was a bit too saucy, was not surprised. Sue the Sometimes Usually Vile, herself familiar with Andrea's penchant toward

"the sauce"...yea, many, many sauces...was also not surprised. Berti, whipping out her blue Nancy Drew notebook to impress the LA cop with her professionalism, busily wrote down

clues. 1) JoeDavid sent to Tuscan villa by evil producers to fool innocent money-grubbing women 2) entire Peepdom in Tuscany to rebuild villa purchased with proceeds from

rampaging chocolate chip cookie 3)Ute takes Jeffrey to JoeDavid's to borrow sauce for

the soyaholic whistleblower 4)Andrea causes Ute to spill sauce on bustier as result of being

attacked by pumpkin tendrils 5)JoeDavid appears in locked tunnel to wine cellar. How obviously evident it all was! How clearly it all fit together!

Well, how clearly except for the fact that Hando had exploded at the sight of JoeDavid's

hands on his beloved's bustier, sprung across the intervening space like a coiled leopard,

and was about to...when Cap'n Jack's bellow rang out, echoing off the tunnel walls.

"BELAY THAT!"

Amanda sighed. How she loved it when the dashing captain spoke of being laid.

*smack*

"Stop that, Amanda!" growled Lucilla softly. "This is PG, remember!"

All eyes had turned toward where Jack, his tricorn situated tricornly atop his blonde

head, had taken command. Yes, it was hard to be commanding while decked in a tricorn,

but somehow Jack managed it.

"This episode, " he rumbled in his most captainish voice, "is sailing off course! I must put

to sea a week  from Friday  come hell or high soy sauce. Jo...," he turned, fixing  the

companion of his Fuegan days with a seagreen eye, "DO something!"

Jo, however, was busily putting post-a-notes up all over the walls of the entrance to the

wine cellar to remind herself of when she must program her VCR to tape all of Russell's appearances. She had used up a dozen thick post pads already and was resorting to

making notes on Buggie's basket bottoms. "Was that Leno or Letterman on the 13th and

was it CNN or GMA on Monday and possibly Tuesday and was it Oprah on the 7th and

Regis on the 14th and WHEN did Vanity Fair come out anyway."

Berti could see that Jo would be busy for the next few hours sorting it all out, so she

volunteered. "Oh, Captain, my Captain! I'LL do something!!!"

She should have remembered how much of Hando went into Bud at times.
 

Jack was getting frustrated. Amanda's eyes began to glow again. Bad Peep! Jack put

out one large palm against the wall of the tunnel to steady himself in the face of all this... this...Peepishness! The stones were cold. "Too cold for me," he thought.

"You rang?"
 

It was none other than April, epi-ing at last, come at the sound of her StnCold4Me

addy, of course! She had always known that e-mail address would come in handy some

day!
 

Jack's seagreen eyes, eyes that reminded April so much of Maximus', of Terry's, of

BiebeBaby's, scanned the newly-arrived Peep. Did she have the intestinal fortitude to

DO it? Could she outwit, outplay, outsoysauce this epi? It was looking good...for no

one until this very moment had known that April was an expert in the field of soy

sauce research. With just one practiced glance at what was left of Andrea's shredded

bustier, April could tell that this was NOT soy sauce at ALL! NO! It was, in fact,...

part 6

....tobacco slobber! Yes! Tobacco slobber for unbeknownst to all other Peeps, Ando had

spent the night with ALL of Russ' smoking characters, not to mention Himself himself.

"ANDO!" shouted Sue the once in a while Vile to her cohortress. "How COULD you!!!" 

Getting to her feet and staring down at her brownish bodice with absolutely no restraining

of the pride that beamed forth from her Welsh face at the discovery of her...er....activities, Andrea just remarked, " 'Twarn't easy, but it sure was fun!" 

Sounds of a scuffle coming from the remnants of the living room, caused everyone to turn

away from the entrance to the wine cellar. Bud and Terry were rolling about the floor,

punching one another.

"She's MINE!" shouted the cop.

"NO! I want her! She's MINE!" growled the camo-ed one.

Bert, Audrey, and annsmac stood to the side, aghast at the sight. Jeffrey seemed to be one

of the few characters who had NOT slobbered tobaccoly upon Ando in the wee hours. Ute

was pushing him forward, "Do something!" she cried.

If Ute had only known, however, as April had known but had not revealed yet, that 6%

of the brown stain on Andrea's bodice WAS soy sauce, she would not have been so confident

of sending her character into the fray. 

Jo sighed. Thank heavens cigarettes had been unknown in the Roman empire!

The other Peeps, though, were all massing and looking at her with narrowed eyes. She

could feel them all thinking, "Why are you doing this to us...why, why, why???"
 

How could she explain...at least in any way that made sense...that she had, in a moment's weakness, accepted a bribe from the Londoner and could not be mean to her in an epi right now? It was all...too...too...awkward. 

Colin and Steve were circling around Ando as though she were coated in honey...as well

in some future epi she might actually be....but not yet, not yet.  Not until the mail from

London arrives in Pittsburgh at least.
   

Russell, watching Andrea intently with sparkling eyes, took a step back and fell completely

over Bunny, who was kneeling on the floor. "Uh...hullo!" Bunny said softly to him as he lay

on his back beside her, "I was...uh....just gathering up some of these...uh... mosaic tiles, "

and she held up a few she'd found with pictures of Roman generals and Napoleonic sea

aptains. "Jo wants me to engrave her name on them," she explained helpfully.

Several of the Peeps gathered around Russell, staring at his plaid flannel shirt. "Look at

THAT!" April commented to Amanda. "Big Blue is almost WHITE!"

"Yes," replied Amanda, "and look at his elbows!"

"Elbows- schmelbows, "snorted Lucilla. "Look at those pits!" Yes, it was true. Big Blue

had shredded from so much wear that now the elbow holes had grown from pit to wrist.

More Peeps joined the circle around the still-prone Himself.
 

"Did they ever nail the perp who stole his golden ponytail, " asked Annette.
 

"Nope, " supplied Leah, "but don't you think he's lookin' a lot like Maximus again these

days?" 

Jo's ears, ever and always attuned to the least whisper of the name of the General of the

Armies of the North, came to study Himself. Yes, she thought to herself in some satisfaction,

he DOES look quite like Maximus again, only younger....which is very, very stwange.

Perhaps, she wondered, it was because Himself was happily engaged in marital life and impending fatherhood and promo tours and not being attacked by umpteen thousands of

furry Germanians that he didn't have quite the...er...gravitas... of the Commander of the

Felix Legions, and mayhap that was why, in spite of the similar look, Himself appeared somewhat younger than the Savior of Rome?  Still, the look pleased her heart for looking

like Maximus was, after all, the very best thing in the world, was it not!!! Much better

than looking like that bald feller who was licking Ando's ear.
   

Just then Joe UnMillionaire burst out of the wine cellar, grabbing Andrea about the

kneecaps and moaning over and over, "I choose YOU, my European beauty! YOU are

the woman I want to take back to Texas with me, to live in my trailer and wash my undies

and bear my kiddies and root for me at the rodeo!"
 

Now WHY was Russell doubling over with laughter just then? Could he have been thinking

of the song he and some of TOFOG had sung late last summer in Chicago at the ballgame?

Yes, I believe he was.
   

Andrea, however, not particularly interested in rooting at rodeos, not to mention washing undies, trailer living, or bearing ANYONE'S offspring, began to pummel Joe's head with

her fists, shouting, "Begone!!" 

 Sue blinked, "Begone? Did you actually say 'begone'?"

"YES!" retorted the angry former Welshwoman. "You see how upset I am about this... this....TEXAN...that I would resort to such language!!" 

"Hey, now!" Annette spoke up quickly, "you watch what you say about Texans, missy!!" 

"Yeah!" added Phyllis, narrowing her eyes at Ando.
 

"Don't blame ME...blame HER!" snarled Ando, pointing a long index finger at Jo, "It's all

HER fault! It's ALWAYS all her fault!!" 

Jo, knowing how true this was, had taken cover under a fold of Maximus' rust-colored

cape. She grinned. Yes, any excuse would do to take cover under Maximus' cape. Heh,

heh!  But, then, she rolled her eyes as she remembered she must not make Andrea mad for

an epi or two, so.......
     

Hando removed the UnMillionaire from around Andrea's knees. We will not spell out just

how he went about it, but it was in his usual fashion....and quite efficient. Then he swooped

Ando up in his arms and proceeded to plant kisses all over her hair, her face, her neck, her tobacco slobber stains. Andrea smiled. This was more like it! Well, it was until....

part 7

....Cap'n Jack screamed, "I'm LATE!!!!" 

BertiSmart knowing instantly that the sailor did not mean he had been overcome by

sudden fears of conception, turned to ascertain the true reason for the shout. Even Hando paused in mid- pucker, so distraught had been the captain's bellow. Bunny, of course, got

mental images of white rabbits in vests running madly about with stop watches... but, then, THAT had been done in an original Star Trek episode so probably would not actually make

it into a PeepEpi.  But one could never be sure.
 

Juditha, ever calm and competent from her years spent teaching Bond how to maneuver

his Astin Martin on alpine roadways....blindfolded...and whilst locked in the trunk....with alligators...lay her soft palm on Jack's left epaulette Fingering his gold fringe absently, she asked, "My darling, you are late? Late for what?"

Jack, many of his blond locks having escaped their bonds during the roll down the steps

into the goat pen, redid his ponytail as was his wont before battle. He looked solemnly yet

fondly down at the small, blonde woman standing so closely beside him that she bore wet

wool burns on her cheeks.

"My ship," he explained somewhat more calmly now as his eyes lingered on the delicate

way her fingertips slid down his epaulette fringe. He did...have a...ship....somewhere...

didn't he? He blinked slowly, refocusing in a way similar to Maximus pulling himself back

from the pocked gateway in the arena. The more recent characters had all of Himself's

previous characters under their belts and from time to time this fact was quite evident.

"Yes! My SHIP! I must get to my ship!" His seagreen eyes darted about until they found Stephen, glad that the doctor was visible. When he was being Charles, it could just get very...well...complicated at times.
 

"Stephen!! We must leave! NOW!!"  Stephen, however, was on all fours, peering at a rare

Italian winebeetle. Jack, he thought, as usual was being MOST inconsiderate. But he got

to his feet, sighing, knowing there was little use in much protest. When the captain got a

bee in his tricorn...well, they would be off come hell or high water.
 

"Might I venture to ask," Stephen said most reasonably, "what means you intend to use to

get us from Tuscany to the waters off Brazil?"

Jack blinked again, then turned to look at Jo, still peering out from under the rust-colored

cape where she had taken refuge. If anyone could get them from this collapsed pile of rose-colored stone to the deck of the Surprise, it would be her...well, she, if one is truly into

correct grammar like BertiWise.

Forcing himself not to think of pink sponge, he implored her silently to do something. Jo

smiled. As comfortable and cozy as it was there in Maximus' armpit, she stepped out so

that she was fully under the TuscPeep sun. This was possible, you must remember, due

to the lack of roofing over the living room. Slowly she did a complete turn, thinking of all

that could have been repaired, could have been restored to its former glory.

But, yes, Jack was right. It was time to go...to go Beyond Borders, to go where Love,

Actually was all that mattered. To cross that Mystic River,  go past Cold Mountain

where Brother Bear dwelt with that Elf and those Secondhand Lions...yes, it was time

for...for THE RETURN OF THE CAPTAIN!!! 

Bonden had been manning the Helm's Deep alone for far too long.  Jo. loosing her hair

from its long pale ponytail, donned a glowing white robe and pronounced as deeply as

she could, "I come to you at the turning of the tide."

"Yes!" agreed Jack heartily, "...we must catch the tide...we must sail the Great River

around the Horn of Isengard and foil the evil plans of the Nazgul vessel before they can

capture all whaling fleets of Rohan!"
 

Lucilla poked Cyd in the ribs with her elbow. "Can you follow that?"

"Nope," Cyd answered, packing her backpack with a goatling or three, "I'm heading off

for the neutral zone myself!!"

"Coward!" spat the former hostess.

"Hey," Cyd rejoined, "if YOU wanna battle the Nazgul vessel, more power to ya! But me....

I have at least SOME sanity left!" 

Alas, Cyd's warp drive was outta commission, and she did not accomplish her planned

escape in time.  In fact, every Peep and every character who was running, screaming

over the Tuscan hills as far and as fast as they could go, every one of them did not

accomplish THEIR escapes, either. More's the pity! 

And so...it was only the merest flash in the pan later that the whole lot of them flopped

wetly down upon the very, very slanted deck of the Surprise just as a gigantic wave

washed completely over the 28 foot wide ship...with its crew of 197 souls now increased

by 1600 or so.

Dimly through the fog, Cap'n Jack could make out the sails of the larger, faster Nazgul

ship. Looking up at his own wildly flapping canvas, Jack knew his traditional sails were

no match for the enormous dragon wings that served the distant vessel.  He sighed. Yes,

they would never reach the Galapashire Islands in time to warn the Rohan Whalers.

Just then....

DIRECTLY CONTINUED AS "THE RETURN OF THE CAPTAIN"

BACK TO LIBRISCROWE