Had she still retained vocal abilities at that moment, she would have screamed, "HANDO!" but, alas, she did not, could not, and so merely stood there, mute as a mushroom, and watched as the young Melbourner....

**********

rushed up to Captain Aubrey, trying to engage him in a swordfight. "I am Don Juan de Hando...you keel my father... prepare to die!" he spat.

"Hey! That's TWO movies! He can't be characters from TWO movies!" Berti exclaimed.

The Chunnel had closed whilst Ando mulled this development. Hando as Don Juan? Hmmmmm? There WERE definite possibilites....if only the epiwriter had foresight enough to see them.

The good Captain did not seem in the least perturbed by all de Hando's swishes and swashes. This was not due to the fact that de Hando had no blade, but more to the deep, inner calmness radiating suddenly from the Captain's being.

We were just about, alas, to meet Jack Black. "Shallow Hal?" queried Juditha.

"No," Jack Black said, looking down at her with a beautiful, serious face. "I fear there is little that mankind finds comedic about my coming."

"How did Sid DO this to them?" moaned Anna Shadow as she watched Andiana Jones attempting to snatch Sue's bullwhip.

Little did they know that whilst in Toronto, the Chipster had taken advantage of free shipping and had upgraded himself to the latest Dell and was, therefore, able to take the tiniest sparkles of blue electricity and project them invisibly into the brains of hapless characters. All the characters still LOOKED exactly as they had before, it was only their thoughts and actions that had changed completely...that  was all.                                 

"ALL?" groused Buggie. "ALL?"

"Yes," Joimus supplied as helpfully as she could, "it happened so rapidly and so subtly that none of us womenfolk were aware of it until it was too late."

"You....you....," stammered Susan, "you mean ALL the characters have new identities?"

"Well," Joimus shrugged, "not quite all. Sid, Himself, and Jim Braddock are still themselves...and, then, there is Terry, currently splintered in the main hallway."

"You are not upset, Joimus," Berti remarked, her eyes narrowing as she studied the all-too-calm Pittsburgher. "What of...Maximus?"

"Oh...him," Joimus replied, feigning a great off-handedness. "He's....um....OK. Whilst impacting his back I quickly protected his brain with my gossamer backpack and its heretofore-unmentioned lining of lead."

"You said 'none of us womenfolk were aware of it'," Berti accused.

Joimus smiled. "None... most...it's fairly close."

Berti was not convinced this counted as fair play and when she turned to look for her cop and found Budo longing for his grass-covered home in the Shire, she was sure of it. "Remember the rhino," was Joimus' rejoinder. "He needed a break." Berti thought of several things that needed breaking but none of them had anything to do with Roman generals.

Budo took his shoes off as though he felt his feet had suddenly grown too large for them. "He probably thinks they're furry, too," Berti glared. Thinking furry thoughts, of course, always brought the Wookieman to mind and she ripped her eyes from the upset Budo to see where the most hirsute character might be.

"I come in peace," Zack Lightyear was pronouncing firmly to Susan, who, nonetheless, hid her blue poppy behind her back. When he noticed her concealing movement, he said sternly, "Stand back! I have a laser and I WILL use it!"

"Aieeee!" Susan shrieked, and still clutching her poppy, ran across the room, barely avoiding a possibly serious impact with Steve of the Jungle.

Joimus and Maximus exchanged looks and she said, "I think we should make our way back to the upstairs hallway and see if we can hook up with Terry and annsmac."

"You have hooks?" he asked.

Jack Black noticed them slipping away back to the other end of the long, curving room, which, of course, now that they were no longer THERE had become, hence, the new far side of the room. Far sides of things never escaped his attention, even when he was...well....Death. "Joimus... Maximus....,"he said in his soft, calm voice, "Where are you going? Are you not staying for the fireworks after the birthday party tonight?"

"Um.....," Joimus ummed, "we are just...just...going for a walk in the gardens. We'll be back."

Jack Black smiled at them beautifully and wisely. "Yes," he said, "everyone comes back."

"Hurry!!" mouthed Juditha.

Maximus led the way back to the area of the file cabinets, and after shoving several of them to one side, discovered the entrance to a spiraled ramp leading conveniently upwards to the main hallway. Joimus was glad Berti was otherwise occupied in attempting to talk Budo into reshodding his feet, else she was sure there would have been some droll remark about overly-convenient spiral ramps. The two of them burst out into the hallway, their eyes immediately checking the location where last Terry and annsmac had been seen.

Terry was lying on his back, his tongue dangling limply almost down to his cleft, huge beads of sweat covering his pale brow. A nearby four-gallon trashcan was filled with large splinters. They saw annsmac leaning against the wall, looking spent.

Joimus stared at the trash can. "You got them....all?" she asked.

Annsmac's shoulders heaved heavily. "Every one," she replied.

Joimus, as unobtrusively as possible, looked at Terry's equipment. It was no longer blunt! Her eyes widened in surprise....and admiration. "How did you manage THAT?" she exclaimed.

Annsmac grinned tiredly and pushed back a few sweaty strands of hair. "Old Cajun secret...very...um... complicated...and... um...unusual." She obviously wanted to change the subject, so asked of the Pittsburgher, "So, what's the rest of the cast been up to?"

Just then Rhett Eastler backed through the broken door, defending himself from a pole wielded by Biebin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

Joimus sighed, indicating the duo with a slight wave of her hand. "Oh...that..." she said.

Maximus squatted beside the K&R agent. "Terry," he said, "you and I are all that stands between Sid and total character annihilation."

With great effort, Terry managed to retract his tongue. In spite of his great pallor, the fact that the pupil of one eyeball was slightly off-center, and his belly button inverted, he propped himself up on his elbows, focusing as best he could on the face of the General of the Felix Legions.

Maximus, seeing that Terry wished to sit, helped him brace his back against the wall. With a shaking hand, Terry fumbled in the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out a small jar, which he opened. Dipping one trembling finger into its contents, he smeared his cheek with a jaggedy olive line, grinned and said, "I'm ready."

Maximus smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "That's the spirit!" he rumbled proudly. With the General on one side and annsmac on the other, they managed to get the K&R agent to his feet. He did sink to his knees three times during the maneuver, but without Berti there to see, it didn't really count and Joimus certainly had no intention of telling her about it, now did she!

Jack Black walked smoothly through the doorway, stopping to size up the sagging Terry from head to toe. "Hmmm?" he commented. "I'm not sure this one will last until after the fireworks."

Joimus frowned at the blond Black. "He's not your assignment," she stated firmly.

He looked at her levelly and calmly. "Sooner or later, everyone is my assignment," he corrected.

Joimus pursed her lips. "Well, right now, you need to concentrate on...."

Before she could get the word 'Sid' out, Hans Christian Nashersen came past, singing "Two and two are four, four and four are eight...."

Franki, close beside him, commented to the observers, "At least he's still mathematical."

Joimus, leaning towards the psych nurse, whispered quickly into her ear, "I'd stay away from red shoes whilst with him right now, though."

Berti, having arrived, overheard. "Don't you think you are requiring a bit too much familiarity with an old movie, Joimus?"

Whatever Joimus might have replied to that query was rendered moot by Budo's sudden shriek and, yes, his falling to the floor...right smack dab at Berti's feet. "The EYE!" he cried.

Watching this, Terry squared his shoulders and, standing straight, turned to Maximus. "General," he said, "let's roll!" The two of them, so close in age, went through the doorway side by side.

The stone steps to the lower chamber had opened again to permit the transmogrified characters' ascent. All of them were back upstairs except the cowboy, who had paused on the 3rd step from the top, his fingers and part of his chin smeared with leaky ballpoint ink, a slightly crumpled piece of paper held before his face. He smiled as he added a few words to the lines he had written.

Annsmac, who with Joimus was right behind the two still-in-character characters going down the steps, asked, "What is HE doing?"

"Sonnet," Joimus said. "Will Shakescort is in love."

"And I had better be his muse," growled Sue menacingly from the top of the steps.

"Didn't Sharon Stone make a movie about that?" annsmac asked as they continued down the stairs.

"Shhhh!" Joimus shushed, then looked back to make sure Berti wasn't counting. "Sue has a hard enough time with Ellen...don't mention the 'Muse' thing. She might snap."

Upon reaching the area where the throne still remained, Maximus circled slowly around, looking for some clue as to Sid's whereabouts. There was a russell... er... rustle from a pitch black corner of the room and Terry strode over to investigate, a large and deadly-looking knife in his hand. Quickly turning back, a grin on his lips, he said laughingly, "I guess not ALL of the cast went up the stairs!"

"No?" Joimus asked, puzzled. "Who is over there...making rustling noises in the darkness?" An unmistakably formerly Welsh giggle provided the answer. "I should have known," Joimus said, rolling her eyes, recalling de Hando's ability to play women like fine instruments.

"Go avay," Ando called out throatily, "I vant to be alone...with HIM!"

"You got 10 minutes!" Joimus returned, "While we check this room for clues."

"Take your time, Nancy Drew," Ando sang back,"I'm BUSY!"

"TEN minutes!" Joimus reiterated.

"Sheesh!" came the last of the formerly Welsh remarks, followed by louder rustlings.

Maximus was looking intently at the spot in the ceiling from whence the blue light beam had emanated. Joimus was nervous. What if Sid turned it on again with the General standing directly beneath it? Would he suddenly become Professor Caractacus Pottsimus and develop an interest in flying cars? The thought was too horrible for contemplation.

Terry was using one of his boots to scrape away white sand from something hard he'd stepped on. In a few seconds, he had uncovered an iron ring about 4 inches in diameter.

"Don't let Budo see THAT!" Joimus said.

Terry picked it up, blowing the last sand grains away. "I wonder what this is for?" he murmured. "There's some writing on it," he continued, "but it's in some strange, unknown language."

"May I see it?" Joimus asked. She studied the words, instantly recognizing them, of course, as Pittsburghese. She narrowed her blue eyes. Sid would know that SHE would know! How diabolical the Chipman was! Silently, she read the message. "Be by the horse statue in Queen's Park at 2 AM. Come alone. Bring the ring."

"Hmmm?" she said. "Yes, this IS a strange language. Too bad we can't translate it." When Terry would have taken back the ring, she quickly popped it into her gossamer backpack, pressing its velcro fastener especially firmly closed.

"Why did you do that?" Terry asked suspiciously.

"Oh..um...well...it's quite heavy, you know...and what with you so weakened from the...the splinter...um...ordeal...I thought I'd just...um...carry it for you." He narrowed his seagreen eyes at her but she scooted quickly back toward the darkened corner. "Time's up!" she called out a bit too brightly. "We need to go!"

Maximus was narrowing HIS seagreen eyes at her, too. "Why, Joimus," he rumbled softly, "WHY do we need to go?"

"Oh...um...because...because...well... because...I'm HUNGRY! Yeah! THAT'S why we need to go! I'm terribly, terribly hungry!"

"You seldom actually eat in epis," he countered.

"RIGHT!" she cried, her voice rising in pitch just a bit too much. "Right you are! And THAT'S why I'm so hungry NOW!"

Terry and Maximus exchanged meaningful glances, then both looked back at Joimus."All right," Maximus said,"where do you wish to dine?"

"Where?" Joimus repeated, bouncing slightly on her toes. "Oh...um...where?"

"The Bymark?" he suggested generalously.

"The Bymark?" she repeated again. "Oh, um, well...could we sorta go a bit more...um... north? You like north, don't you, Maximus?" she blithered. She was thinking that at 2 AM she would really prefer not to have to cover TOO many blocks of the city by herself.

"The Lobby?" Terry asked.

"Um...the Lobby? Um, no...no.. that's...um...a bit TOO close!"

"Close?" Terry queried, his eyes narrowing to mere seagreen slits. "Too close to...what?" How could Joimus explain that she wanted to be nearer to Queen's Park but still several blocks away? She needed to be sure Maximus didn't follow her. She felt she must keep him away from Sid at all costs. She could not stand it were he taken from her again!

Thank heavens annsmac spoke up just then. "How about that family restaurant right across the street from Maple Leaf Gardens? I hear it has large plate glass windows and we could both eat and watch for possible Sid-sightings at the same time."

"EXCELLENT idea!" cried Joimus, blowing out a big breath in relief. That would get her all the way north to Carlton Street and later she could make her way west the four or so blocks to the base of Queen's Park. She took one of Maximus' large hands in both of her own, much smaller, ones. "May we go there?"

Maximus looked over the top of her head, his eyes meeting Terry's before he turned his gaze down to her. Did she really think she had him fooled? He smiled slightly as he studied her face, her large blue eyes begging him not to question her motives, trying, indeed, to hide the fact she HAD motives at all. Silently he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly to his chest as he rested his chin gently atop her head and closed his eyes. Gods! How he loved this woman! His jaw worked a bit as he thought of how epi after long epi they had been kept apart.

She felt the movement in his chin and tipped her head back to gaze up at him. The teardrop threatening to spill over his lower right eyelid startled her, causing her to frown slightly in concern. "Maxim....," she started, but he pressed her back to his chest, pulling the edges of his rust-colored cape about her as though he could enfold her forever and keep her safe. Indeed, standing there like that, she felt quite like a storm-tossed vessel come safely to its home port. In the midst of that great peace, she suddenly envisioned herself alone in the darkness of the park, with Sid awaiting her coming. A shiver shook her and Maximus' arms tightened protectively. Opening his eyes, he looked again at Terry, silently communicating, "Let her think she has us fooled." Terry nodded, understanding.

Ando wobbled up, buttoning buttons and with suspender burns here and there. "All right, all right," she groused. "Enough with this Maximus/Joimus lovey-stuff." Joimus turned slightly to look at the former Welshwoman.

"You get all the best epimoments," Ando frowned.

Joimus sighed, laying her cheek against the General's chest. "It's my keyboard."

"You are so...so...greedy!" Ando retorted.

"Hey," Joimus defended, "what about what just happened in yon dark corner?"

"Yeah, yeah," Ando said, "all off-screen...ALL of it!"

Joimus blinked. The woman was right! Ack! Too bad they were no longer in the corner. Now it was...sadly...too late.

"NO!" shouted Ando, reading over Joimus' shoulder....which was very awkward, pressed tightly to the General as she was and all. "It's NOT too late! It's NOT!" But, alas, it was. William Lachlace appeared at the top of the stairs, threatening imminent Scottish buttwavings and had to be stopped!

"NoooOooOoo!" cried Wanda. "Don't STOP him, for Pete's sake!!!"

"Piffle!" piffled Joimus. "I myself have been known to enjoy a good Scottish pre-battle buttwave, especially when one cheek is painted a fetching shade of blue....BUT..and that's with one 't' you will note...I'm HUNGRY and we must away to Carlton Street immediately if not sooner."

"Yes," rumbled Maximus. "We will leave now." When Maximus said it was time to leave there were few...actually none...not even formerly Welshfolk...who would say him nay...especially when his hand was resting on the hilt of his gladius like that and he had some strange, unreadable though determined look in his seagreen eyes.

The four couples went up the stairs, which, oddly upon their reaching the top, folded themselves back up as though somehow aware of their passing. Joimus had the sensation of being watched by unseen eyes. It was probably a pretty good bet that that was the case. As used as she was to the lead lining of her gossamer backpack and also of the many, many long miles she had carried the 450 pounds of Maximus' armor within its confines, the iron ring seemed to weigh her down. The General noticed right away her struggle with it and offered to carry the pack for her. "No," she said, "I'm fine." But he saw the way her upper right incisor was almost cutting into her lower lip and his eyelid twitched.

"We are going to walk up to the family restaurant across from Maple Leaf Gardens," Terry announced to the cast. Biebin Hood rubbed his belly, thinking fondly of a crisp roast pig.

"Um," Berti inquired, "how are we going to get this motley crew of strange characters across the city, might I ask?" Joimus allowed as how that might actually prove somewhat difficult, especially what with Lachlace and the whole butt thing, not to mention the fact that Budo refused to put his shoes on, Rhett Eastler's not giving a damn and all, and the way Andiana Jones kept dangling from the chandelier.

 Joimus thought a moment about motivating the transmogrified characters into actually going to the restaurant. Then she walked up to Zack Lightyear. "I hear Zurg has been seen in the vicinity."

"ZURG!" cried Lightyear, checking his wrist lasers.

"You know Zurg is actually his father," Amanda commented.

"No!" cried ArthVader..."I'M his father!"

"You are NOT!" shouted Ando, shoving her compatriot so hard he bumped into Nashersen, interrupting his final verse of The Ugly Duckling song. Maybe motivation wasn't such a good idea after all. Well, at least HER way of doing it. "Maximus?" she asked, "Could YOU motivate them for me?"

The General smiled. Ah, the rare and glorious smile! He turned and walked to the door, holding his gladius aloft and booming in his great voice, "Follow me! Stay together and hold the line! If we stay together...we survive..." meaning, of course, that all stragglers were in danger of a walk with Mr. Jack Black.

It was amazing how quickly they all assembled on the sidewalk. Silently, several large gulls glided above them, following as the cast made their way east through the crowds along the busy Queen Street, then headed north up Church. "This is a LONG way," grumped Ando.

Joimus knew it was, but was glad of it, bringing her closer as it did to Queen's Park. At last they reached the restaurant, conveniently empty...possibly due to the large sign tacked to its door, reading: NON-EPIFOLK NOT BEING SERVED TONIGHT. How else, one may ask, could one be assured of finding seating for the nearly half a hundred diners? By now it was almost midnight...whew!...and for this one night only the restaurant would not close its doors. One needed a place to stash one's fellow cast members while one made one's way alone to the park, did one not? I mean, the sale of the Countess' St. Andrew's clubs had gotten them up the CN Tower but was not nearly enough to cover hotel expenses for so many. Epilife could just be SO complicated were it not simplified quickly and thoroughly.

"Can we pay for the food?" whispered Berti in an aside to Joimus. She shrugged. "I'm not sure. We may have to rely on the talents of Andiana Jones. Just order water...and ask for crackers. Oh, and there's catsup and mustard on the table."

"You saw that Tom Hank's 'Terminal' movie, didn't you?" asked Berti, already knowing the answer. Ignoring Joimus, Berti asked the waitress, "Do you have peanutbutter? This lady here needs peanutbutter." She nodded toward the Pittsburgher.

"BERTI!" growled Joimus, kicking Berti's shin under the table. But Berti, who gave baths to Saint Bernards, was not disturbed at all by the blow and just smiled wickedly. Time passed, ticking slowly by as Shakescort filled napkin after napkin with sonnets, de Hando licked the former Welshwoman's shoulder, and Zack Lightyear kept his lasers on full power, watching for Zurg. When the clock read 20 minutes to 2, Joimus excused herself to go to the ladies room.

"I'll come, too," Wanda announced.

"Ummm....there's only one stall," Joimus said. "Would you mind waiting?"

Maximus looked at Terry. Joimus stood, rested her palm on the General's right shoulder, and said in a slightly trembly voice, "I will come...right back. Don't worry."

"Why should he worry about you having to take a...." de Hando started to comment, stopped only by the feel of a gladius pressed against his thigh. She looked long at Maximus, but when she could no longer keep her chin from quivering, turned and ran for the back of the restaurant.

"Drama queen!" murmured Ando, hoping Maximus wouldn't hear.

Joimus slipped out the kitchen door into a dark alley, stumbling against a garbage can as her eyes were blurred by tears. It took her a few moments to find access back to Carlton Street, then she headed west...in the night, alone, watched by various and sundry street people as she passed. It was cool and she rubbed her hands up and down her arms. How often she had wished...except in Uganda...that her pale yellow gossamer gown had some sort of sleeves. The backpack was so heavy! She tried to hunch it up a bit higher, but that didn't really seem to help. Against the moon she saw the outlines of construction cranes here and there and she heard the wail of a distant siren, a door slamming somewhere, a squeal of tires from the next block. She jumped, startled, when the breeze blew a large piece of newspaper down the sidewalk, plastering it against her calf. Someone laughed not all that far away and a bottle broke. At last there was the entrance to Queen's Park on her right.

She went up the curving sidewalk, crossed the street, and began to walk on the grass toward the looming form of the large statue on its mound of earth. She could barely make out the form of someone sitting on a bench behind the statue. The wind made a sighing sound...almost a moan...through the trees that were all around, blocking out the moonlight, making the darkness darker. Tripping over a root, she fell forward, her downward motion only stopped by the sudden, rough grip of strong fingers on her arm.