She was walking in a vast field of wheat, stretching for miles to the horizon no matter which way
she turned. Not knowing how she'd gotten there, or what she was supposed to do now that she
was, she started moving slowly toward a particular dip she'd noticed several hundred yards to her
left. As she walked, she let her left hand trail lightly over the ripened seed heads. Smiling as
they moved beneath her touch, she thought back to how it had been just so that she had first
seen... his...hand. The motion of a lover it had been. A man who loved his land, who knew by
the movement of his lover's fingers over the grain that it was ripe. As she watched the flow of
them, she'd known that if they could move over wheat in such a way...ah...what would their
touch upon a woman's skin be like? Her smile widened and she lifted her face to the sky, letting
the sun settle its light and warmth there. Breathing deeply, she continued her rather wandering
path.
Sometimes she felt strangely weak and paused for breath, but the cloud billows always pulled
her up and she continued on. Was she going somewhere? She couldn't remember. Turning, she
scanned back the way she thought she'd come, but it all looked the same, endless wheat,
bowing, swaying in the wind. Well, then, maybe it was not important where she'd come from,
maybe all that mattered was where she was going. But... where was that? Turning too quickly,
she lost her balance and started to fall. Something held her elbow, though, steadying her.
Nothing was there but slender wheat, a few scattered poppies. What? Oh, well. She would
head for that bit of a dip. Maybe there was some reason it was there, some reason it had
caught her eye.
She hummed as she walked now, the melody of the Emperor Waltz. Their
melody. When was the
last time he'd held her in his arms, swirling her to its soaring notes? Surely it had not been long
ago? He would not have let it be...long. She closed her eyes. When he held her as he did when
they danced, he carried her with him as though some great magnet pulled her with forces invisible
and strong. It was not 'leading' so much as a 'taking with', and she felt like her feet had no need
of floors. Perhaps, tomorrow, perhaps she would play it again and he would hold out his hand? Yes,
she decided, that would be good. Tomorrow.
Reaching out again to touch the wheat as she moved, she noticed her
hand trembled
a bit. Silly
hand. Why was it doing that? She lifted her eyes, looking toward the dip. Was it closer? She hoped
so. She was getting tired and had to stop now every few feet just to breathe. One foot in front of
the other. You can do it, Joimus, you can do it. A foggy mist rose up over her eyes and she rubbed
it away with both hands. There! That was better. The dip had suddenly gotten much closer. Had
she really covered that much ground? Hardly seemed possible with her slow pace. But, still, there
it was, only yards away now. Squinting, she saw
something... different...in
the middle of the shallow depression. When the wheat moved in the wind,
she was
sure of it. Ah, that must be where she was going then!
She smiled. There was a reason she was in this wheat field after all.
The
thought made her feel...relieved...somehow. The endless field, by
itself, had
seemed too vast. Now there was a
goal, something to aim oneself toward. She tried to hum their melody again, but her lips felt dry,
her tongue a bit thick. Oh, well. She would hum it tomorrow...when they danced...she would hum
it then. Yes. Yes. That would be good. Then.
What WAS that object there in the wheat anyway? It seemed a solid
thing, very
different
from the slender, waving stalks of wheat. It had a curved top. That much she could see. There
was something 'planted' about it, as though, like the wheat, it had been deliberately planted
there in the ground. Just a few more feet, just a few more, and she could pull back the grain
and see what it was. Maybe it would let her know why she was here. She paused. Was there
some reason she needed to know why she was here? Surely there was. It had just slipped her
mind, that's all. It would come to her. As soon as she saw this thing, it would come to her.
Wouldn't it?
Again she stopped, catching her breath, looking back the way she had
come. The
wheat had closed behind her, obscuring her passage. Perhaps she should
turn and
retrace her steps? Maximus would
be watching for her, wondering where she was. Perhaps...they could dance...tonight? Before dark.
If she got back in time, perhaps they could. She smiled, swaying slightly on her feet, the melody
singing in her ears. Again, she lost her balance, started to fall. Again something strong held her
arm and she did not. What WAS that?
Oh, well, she was here now and the object was right in front of her.
She
might as well see what
it was before hurrying back to him. Dropping slowly to her knees, she parted the wheat with both
hands, revealing what lay behind. It was stone. Strange that a stone so large would be here where
no others were to be found. Her vision blurred again and she wiped her eyes, trying to see what
was carved on the stone. Letters swam into view. Letters forming three words, carved deeply in
a square, precise Latin font. Hands shaking, she touched the first of them, tracing the form of
it with her fingers. It
was an 'M'.
As though a bolt of lightning had come straight from the sky, she knew.
She did
not need to
see the rest. She knelt there, split in half with her sudden knowing. His name. It was his name.
Leaning forward, she rested her cheek against the words, closing her eyes. Where was she
that she
had... forgotten? Where was she, where could she be, that she had lost
his
death?
and the memory of it washed through her, unrelenting, determined as an incoming tide. His head had
been on her lap and he was looking into her eyes when he left. For 45 years she had lain beside him,
her ear over his heart, listening to its great beating. When he left, when he was gone, and she was
alone, his weight suddenly heavier across her lap, she leaned forward, resting her cheek on his chest.
The loudness of the silence clanged like giant gongs in her soul. She had not known such a level of sound
could exist.
Later, when they had come, had spoken words to her, had taken him away,
she sat
on the couch...
holding his rust-colored cape. Her fingers played with the wolf fur, worn and somewhat tattered from
the long years. Lifting it, she brushed it back and forth across her face, again and again and yet still
again. Then she wrapped it around her shoulders, sitting there, enveloped in it, remembering how he
would pull the edges of it about her, cocooning her within it, next to his body. He always rested his
chin atop her head, always whispered, "We are one." She believed him. But what did it...mean? How
were they one when he was someplace else and she was...alone...within the cape? How did that work
now?
How did that have meaning...still?
What had it been? Four months ago? Five?
Her cheek pressed against the stone, she could not
remember. Maybe it had been years? It seemed like years. She remembered wanting to keep his cape
so that she might wrap herself in it and dream of him and he would...somehow...seem more near. But
she had buried him in it instead. It was better. It was right, fitting, that he should have the wearing
of it even then. She remembered the last slide of it through her reluctant fingers, the last touch of
the fur,
then it was...gone. As he was gone.
Now here she was in the wheat, a thing so intimately...his. She looked
up from
the stone. The wheat
rose above her head. Why was she here? There were no fields of wheat near her home. Ah, well, she
was tired. Perhaps if she just...rested... here a bit next to the stone? She didn't need to hurry now,
did she? No. They would not dance tonight...nor tomorrow. She curled on her side, her fingers tracing
the "IUS" of his last name, and she hummed their melody as the stalks of wheat began to bend
lower, covering her.
"Did you hear?" they said. "Was she humming?" "I think
she was humming." "What was it, what would
she be humming?"
"Ah, well," they said. "No matter. She's gone
now."
She WAS humming. Yes...she was. She was humming because their waltz was
playing.
The wind was
playing it and the notes bounced off the sides of the clouds, doubling and redoubling until the waltz
was everywhere, was all there was. Was all there was besides...his hand. Besides his smile. Her
fingers curled through the tips of his and he pulled her to him, wrapping his cape about her, leaning
his chin atop her head. "We are one," he whispered as he continued to pull her into him, until she
passed the boundaries of him and was within him and he within her and there existed no longer such
things as the walls of cells. There was no more leading, nor even taking with. There was one being...
only one...moving to the melody, through the melody, in the melody. Only one.
The beginning...........
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