Lachlan was tired and he yearned for Wanda. He had been walking homeward through the cornfield when suddenly all around him, the corn had rerisen. He had been forced to dodge here and there in order to avoid being severely whumped by the thick stalks. It was then that....

**************

he was compelled to stop and consider the request the cornfield had made of him. The crop circles had, somehow, been "unbuilt". He sucked in his breath. Did that, then, mean that "they" had gone "away"? Was he now alone? Had he been...left behind? Wanda! Where was Wanda? He was so wild with worry that "W's" spilt themselves wantonly throughout his brain. It was then he stopped. "Get a grip!" he told himself with a lower case 'h'. Wanda would never wander.

'Aiee!" he cried, his grip obviously not working, leaving him wending his weary way down a winding cornrow. It was quite dark and all he could see were the over-his-head high cornstalks on both sides of him. Thank goodness the moon was full. He tipped his head up as he walked, studying the face thereon. Because of this, he fell completely into a deep, narrow hole lined with dead fireants.

It was, of course, the hole from whence Jeffrey had withdrawn the embedded Nash...though Lachlan had no way of knowing that. All he knew as he climbed out of it, his hands filling with ensoiled fireant carcasses, was that his beloved had lost her treasured fireant collection to some unforeseen disaster. Now he really must find her! She would be devastated and in need of poem recitation and bathtub singing.

Indeed, Wanda was not the only castmember in need of attending. Nash himself remained stiff as a frozen mackerel, though due to the humid Pennsylvania night, not nearly as cold as one.

"Stop that!" Franki said, angrily smacking Hando's hand away from continuing to roll pinecones down Nash's inclined torso as it remained propped against the windowbox on the porch. Little did she know that it had been the only way the Melbourner could distract himself from the thought of blue fishnet stockings.

"Here!" she ordered, commandeering Hando and Zack to carry the mathematician into the dining room table.

"How are you going to unstiffen the bloke?" Hando asked, more curious than concerned.
                                     

Franki simply was not sure. All she had was garlic. Running quickly to the kitchen, she fished a particularly fat one out of a bin, crushing its cloves between her bare palms as she returned to

the dining room. Holding her breath, she looked down at the lumpy paste she had made. How best to use it? Should she rub it on his skin to restore circulation? Should she ooze some of it down his throat, hoping that his gag reflex would jumpstart muscular movement? Why, oh, why did they not teach you such things in nursing school! She hesitated just long enough that Marti whooshed up, grabbed a fistful, and plopped the huge blob directly atop Nash's nose.

"Aieeeeeee!" he cried.

"There!" she said with some satisfaction as she wiped her hands on the pink and purple apron Joimus had left hanging on the back of a chair. She looked at the astonished Franki. "There are times," she said, a definite gleam in her eye, "when the ancient scrolls are the only place to turn."

Franki was less sure. Now, instead of a stiff Nash on a dining room table, she had a writhing one wrapped completely around the chandelier.

Out in the red barn on the blanket over the trapdoor, Bunny lay, silently pondering Sid's confession. Even though she was not quite sure what to make of it, yet somewhere deep inside she understood that it made perfect sense, that it explained...much. Perhaps, she mused, she had always known this about him and that in that knowledge lay some of his attraction for her. She thought, then, of Pinnochio. Sid would hate the comparison, yet it was there. Sid

was not real, well, not in an actual "human" sort of way. He was not a man. And when he looked at Maximus he saw what must seem to him the ultimate male, the man among men, the man all women desired, the noblest, truest-hearted, most steadfast, capable (Berti elbowed Wanda again. "I take that back. Joimus is obviously writing this.") of men.

Sid LOOKED a lot like Maximus, though he was unable to grow a beard, and was just a bit younger. The very fact that he looked so similar made it all the harder for him to be so far removed from all that Maximus was. Never had thousands of voices ever

cried out, "SID....SID....SID!" nor were they ever likely to. Never had anyone asked HIM to be the Protector of anything. Never had his fellows willingly sacrificed their lives so that he might have one more chance. As Bunny watched the moonlight on his face, she saw his jaw muscles working and knew he was thinking of these things.

"It's not fair," he choked, "that I should be programed with the minds of the world's greatest murderers and committers of every manner of evility while HE was written so disgustingly pure of heart and soul." Bunny stroked her hand up and down his coat sleeve, clenching her teeth, fighting not to cry. His chin began to tremble and he whispered, "Bunny, why must I always be the villain?"

She watched, fascinated, as a bluish tear trickled down his right cheek. "Sid!" she said, excitement overcoming her melancholy, "I didn't know you could make TEARS!"

"Wh..what?" he said.

She guided his fingertips to his own cheek. "FEEL!" she exclaimed.

In slow motion he moved his fingers then closer to his eyes, staring in amazement at the blue wetness. "Tears?" he said wonderingly. "I...I made tears?"

"You did! You really, really DID!" Bunny said, getting to her knees beside him.

"I...I...CRIED?" he said, sitting up, still staring at the wetness.
 

Bunny was smiling ear to ear. "You made one, whole...perfect...tear, Sid."

He turned his seagreen eyes to her beautiful face. "Like...like Maximus?" he breathed.

"The very same eyeball he uses!" Bunny pronounced.

"I...I've never cried...ever," he said seriously. "How can this...

be?"

"I don't know, Sid. Perhaps we should do a recheck of your programming list?"

Fumbling to undo his shirt, he opened the small door in his left pectoral and pushed the blue button. Tensely the two of them waited while a small whirring sound came from inside him somewhere and then a print-out of his programming slid neatly from...well, this is actually better left up to the imagination of the individual reader. Together their eyes scanned down the page of names whose criminal minds had been part of his input. They went past Ted Bundy, past Manson and locked in overwhelming astonishment in the "R's".

"HIM!?!" they both cried in unison.

"How...how...did HE get in there?" Sid asked, his mouth quite agape.

"Your programmer must have intended him as some ultimate failsafe in the case of dire catastrophe," Bunny postulated.

"My God," Sid said, "what if Denzel had known of this?"

"I shudder to think," Bunny agreed. They both sat silently for a long while, trying to comprehend the vast ramifications of this unforeseen revelation. Finally Bunny looked at him. "You do realize that his neighborhood was in Pittsburgh?"

"NO!" cried Sid, not actually being ALL that familiar with the activities and locale of Fred Rogers. (Apologies to non- American readers who might not be familiar with the national icon that Mr. Roger's Neighborhood was for so many years on the telly.) "What...what if Joimus ever finds out?" he moaned.

"I've heard that she knows at least one of his sidekicks personally," Bunny added, only making Sid moan more loudly. She looked at him intently. "Sid, it is up to you to what degree you wish to get in contact with your inner Fred."

"My...my inner Fred?" he repeated, still stunned at the concept he HAD such a thing.

"Don't worry about that now," Bunny said, "you have decisions to make right here in Jeopardy 7." She turned and opened her backpack. "I have no idea why I am in possession of these," she

said, pulling out a soft cardigan and a pair of canvas sneakers, "but if you want them, they're yours."

His eyes narrowed as he looked at them. "Sneakers!" he shuddered. They were not even fancy Nike's or some such, but the simplest, plainest of canvas shoes.

Bunny shrugged, setting them down on the straw. "It's entirely up to you, Sid, but you must think of what you have done to Joimus and if you intend to set that to rights."

Sid pondered this. If he let his inner Fred emerge, then both he and Joimus would be fellow Pittsburghers. Maximus seemed to like Pittsburghers. "How would I...do...that?" he asked.

"I'm sure there are various buttons on you somewhere that might be pushed," Bunny offered. "I could look." She grinned. And so it was that some minutes later an English wabbit, smiling happily, was escorted from the barn by a cardiganed, sneakered Sid, explaining as he walked how toothpaste was put into the tubes and wondering if she would like to tour the Hershey Chocolate Factory with him on Thursday next.

They crossed the large yard in the moonlight, coming upon the General and his blue lady just as he pulled her mouth down onto his.

"Are you sure that he, um, actually WANTS her, um, fixed, Bunny?" Sid asked, cocking one eyebrow.

"Probably not right at this moment," Bunny allowed, "but it must be done and sooner is likely better than later."

Sid reached into the pocket of his cardigan, his fingers searching through the matchbox cars, harmonica, and tickets to the zoo, locating at last his small, black plot device.
     

"It's good you've never lost that," Bunny remarked, remembering the first time she'd seen it in the shearing barn on Droogheeda.

"Yes," Sid agreed, "a good plot device is hard to come by." Still, he held it unused, quietly watching the couple on the shadowy ground. Maximus' strong, brown fingers were entirely twined through her long blue hair and studying the almost absolute fierceness of their grip, Sid was reminded of a drowning man clutching at a bed of kelp. He sighed, then pressed the red button marked "restore." Joimus went entirely limp.

Maximus was so shocked, he held onto her hair a moment longer, but when he released his grip, she simply rolled off him and lay on her back in the grass beside him. Scrambling to his knees, he felt for her pulse and, finding none, looked fiercely up at Sid. "You've KILLED her!" he roared, springing to his feet, knocking Sid flat with the back of one hand, then setting his boot on Sid's throat as he slowly unsheathed his gladius. There was no frost anywhere in the warm Pennsylvania night. The sword came out smoothly, the moon reflecting on its blade as the General raised his right arm, his nostrils flaring terribly, his neck muscles cording and uncording. The ruckus caused several castmembers to rush out from the yellow farmhouse.

"What happened?" cried Anna.

"I think Sid killed Joimus," Andy answered, hardly able to believe what he was saying.

"WHAT?" shouted Buggie.

"Sid killed Joimus," Biebe repeated, his voice cracking.

Sid lay on the ground, trying with both hands to keep his voice box from being crushed. "I...I'm not the villain!" he managed to croak.

Maximus stopped, though he kept his sword arm raised. His seagreen eyes had gone all black and dark and as he looked down at Sid, his lips curled in contempt. His words came cold and hard. "Even Commodus was less a villain than you." A lower eyelid twitched several times, then he continued, "It is at an end, Sid. Tonight you die." The movement of his sword arm continued.

Bunny screamed and flung herself forward, wrapping both her arms about his bicep. "Maximus, NO!" she shrieked. He turned his head toward her and she saw only death in his eyes. Firmly but carefully, he used his left hand to peel her fingers off then pushed her backwards slightly into Bud's arms. "Noooooooo!" she sobbed, "He was trying to help."

"Help?" the General snorted. "My Joimus has been slain and you speak to me of 'help'?"

"LOOK!" shouted Eryn, pointing to where Joimus lay on the grass. Blue sparkles were rising in a spiral all about her, filtering up through the leaves of the live oak canopy that arched above her. Maximus' head jerked around. He was transfixed by the sight, his sword falling from numbed fingers, its tip sinking several inches into the lawn a good quarter inch from Sid's left ear. The blue seemed to be completely draining out of her form, its departure leaving only a crystal clear emptiness. He staggered a step or two away from Sid, who sat up, holding his throat and coughing violently. Bunny broke free from Bud and flew to him, wrapping her arms about his shoulders.

Maximus walked slowly to Joimus and quietly knelt beside her. She was entirely transparent and looked as though she could have been carved from ice. The fingers of his right hand hovered over her, wanting to touch her, yet somehow unsure. Finally he pulled them back, covering his eyes with them as his shoulders started to shake.

Buggie buried her face in Biebe's chest. "I can't watch," she sobbed. Biebe stroked her dark hair tenderly, his own eyes brimming with tears. What would become of the epis? Would he

now be sent back to Alaska and she to Florida? Would he be parted from her forever? His arms tightened protectively around her shoulders. Surely a way would be found to keep them together? He looked about the gathering. Awareness of imminent separation was hitting them all.

Terry had both hands on annsmac's shoulders, imprinting her face in his memory. Susan Guildford sadly tucked a poppy petal in Zack's shirt pocket. "You'll remember me?" she said wistfully, hopefully. Ando was simply appalled. No way was she EVER being separated half a world away from her Melbourner! The entire cast clutched, clung, dripped tears as they looked from each other over to where their General cried openly, unabashedly.

Bunny could no longer bear it. Drying her tears, she looked at Sid. "What would happen were you to press the red button a second time?" she asked.

"How can you ask that of me?" Sid replied. "Look at what the first press wrought!"

"You must try," she urged. "Can things get worse?"

He thought about that. "Probably," he said.

"Nonetheless," she continued, "even if there is sudden volcanic activity, you must try."

He sighed and retrieved the plot device from the grass where it had fallen when Maximus had backhanded him. His thumb hovered over the red button. Never in his life...er, existence...had he wanted to do anything less than push that button. "What if she disappears entirely?" he said, looking at Bunny.

"That's not worse," she replied. "She's already just a transparent shell."

He closed his eyes and let his thumb press firmly down. "Is she still there? he asked, eyes remaining shut.

"Yes," Bunny replied. "Everything looks just the same. I don't think the second push did a thing."

Maximus felt a gentle prickle on the tip of his nose. Absently, he brushed a fingertip across it. The prickle remained. He pulled his hand away from his eyes and looked down. The softest, palest pink sparkles were sifting down past his face filling up Joimus' transparency with themselves.

"Wait a sec," Bunny cried. "Something is happening after all!"

Sid opened his eyes. "What's happening?" he asked.

"PINK!" Bunny said. "Pink is happening."

"How does pink happen?" he inquired.

"I have no idea, Sid," she said, her lips curving into a relieved

smile. "But that second push must've made some difference."

Maximus cocked his head in wonder, watching with parted lips as the pink continued to fall and fill. He looked up, trying to locate its source, but it was like looking up at falling snow...it just appeared. The pink was delicate, like the first blush of cherry blossoms on the bare branches of earliest spring. As it sifted down, it almost seemed to laugh lightly and even giggle.

He extended a palm, wanting to feel it on his hand, but it sifted right through his molecular structure without a pause and continued its journey into Joimus. He watched as her clear hair turned softest pink, as her gown turned the same shade, as the transparency was replaced with warm pink skin tones. He watched her face so closely, he didn't notice the fishnets were gone, transformed into pink tights. When her chest rose with the first intake of breath, the sight caused an almost convulsive sob to wrench its way through his body. Then, ever so gently, he lifted her up towards his chest, burying his face in her neck as fresh tears streamed down his cheeks.

She stirred. "Ack!" she said, "You getting me wet, Big Man." Startled, he looked into her face. It was screwed up indignantly.

"Put me down!" He let go of her and she stood, smoothing out her dress with her hands. She turned toward the farmhouse.

"Me firsty!" she announced and headed off with a wobbly-skippy- walk in that direction, leaving him stunned and still kneeling on the lawn. As she passed Bunny she paused and said, "Hi, BunBun. Sid all better now?"

Bunny gulped. "Y..yes," she stammered, looking into Joimus' sweet, innocent little pink face. A sudden thought struck the rabbit. "Joimus," she asked, smiling kindly, "how old are you, dear?"

Joimus giggled, pirouetted clumsily, and proudly held up three fingers.

"Oh my God," Sid exclaimed. "I KNEW it could get worse!"

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