Terry spoke up. "I think we should all just go back into the cornfield and

come out again and take what we get." Joimus inhaled deeply. That could

be risky. Perhaps even foolhardy. But as her eyes scanned the current

scene with its grassy rolling hills and nothing else, she knew there was no

help for Maximus in this place. She looked warily back at the cornfield.

Would it lead them to a walk in the clouds or was it a passage to India?

If only she had known that it led directly....

....back. Back to the future, that is. The cast stood silently, gazing

blinkingly at a domed city. "What sort of place is....," Amanda began,

but was cut off by the cry of a slender man with straight blonde hair

who dashed past shouting, "Run...run for your lives....RUN!"

Susan Guildford's eyes grew large and round. She had seen the

stranger's nametag. "Oh, noooo!" she sighed, "That was....Logan."

"Logan?" asked young Grecian Mary. "Who is Logan?"

Joimus locked eyes with Susan. This was bad. Bad, indeed. Even bad for

young Grecian Mary. In the ancient rule book of epi writing, beneath all

the cobwebs and grape jam, lurked the little-known but always rather

surmised fact that all females in epis were 33. It mattered not if one

had mellowed with the passing of long years or were still just barely out of pigtails...everyone was 33. It rather leveled the playing field, so to speak.

Mary, impatient at not being answered, stomped her foot, "WHO is

Logan?" she demanded again.

Taking a deep breath, Joimus replied, "Michael York's character

named Logan...in..." she sighed again, "Logan's Run."

Mary shook her head, never having heard of the movie, "So....what's

so

bad about that....and why is he running?"

Susan and Joimus exchanged looks again. "He runs, Mary, " Susan

explained, "because of his 30th birthday."
               

"That's not so terrible, " Mary replied, "why give me a few years and

I'll turn 30, too."

"No, Mary, " Joimus corrected, "you are in epis....you are 33." 
                      

Mary narrowed her Grecian eyes, not terribly pleased about missing

several birthday celebrations, but squaring her shoulders, replied,

"OK, then, I can deal with being....old....like that. What's the

problem?"
                            

Joimus gazed for a long moment at the domed city, then turned slowly

to look back at Mary. "Over-population, " she said almost under her

breath. "Here, when one reaches one's 30th birthday, one is...

terminated. No one in the city is allowed to live past 30."

There was massed gulping in the throats of all the female cast members.

Even the majority of male characters began to look uncomfortable.

"Ummm," offered Sue, "don't you think we might have fared better back

in Africa?"

"Possibly, " Joimus said, her eyes going to the General's sagging figure,

"but Maximus needs help and we are irretrievably out of Out of Africa

now anyway." She turned, just as the last corn stalk faded into nothingness.

"See?" she added.

Ando narrowed her eyes at Terry, "Take what we get, eh? So much for

take what we get!"

Jack, ever masterfully commanding, wasted no time on recriminations,

but raised his telescope and scanned the horizon. "There!" he exclaimed.
                        

"There what?" asked Ando.

Jack lowered his scope part way and smiled. "There is where we shall

head."

"Why? What do you see?" Ando insisted.

Jack peered through his scope again, "I'm not...sure...what it is, Ando,

but since we obviously cannot enter the domed city, we need to set some

other course, do we not?"

"May I?" asked Ando, reaching out her hand for the telescope.

Jack bowed slightly from the waist, holding it out upon his opened palm.

Ando looked in the direction he indicated, then, nostrils flaring, turned

to confront the Captain. "Surely you JEST??!" she exclaimed.

Jack cocked his head, arching one eyebrow, "I think not."

"But...but....but....," spluttered Ando, "you CAN'T mean we should go

THERE??!?"

"And why not?" the Captain replied, a bit of a growl entering his voice.

"Because...because.....because....," Ando could hardly get the words out.

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Ando!" shouted Sue, grabbing the telescope from

the startled Londoner and looking through it herself. The color drained

from her face. "Oh, MY....!" she gasped.

"Let ME have a look!" BertiWise exclaimed, snatching the telescope. She

looked. She chuckled.

"You CHUCKLED!" Ando remonstrated, "HOW could you

chuckle??!"

"Well," BertiWise replied thoughtfully, "it's not just the sight of the

flat-topped volcanic plug rising up like that....it's more the....the....

possibilities of what one might do with one's....mashed potatoes.....

that amuses me."

Hando, never having closely encountered a volcanic plug before, snorted.

"What the....."

But he was interrupted by a groan from the General as he toppled from

his sitting postion onto his right side. Joimus flung herself beside him,

tenderly lifting his head onto her lap. "Jack," she said entreatingly,

"we HAVE to find help for him!"

The Captain pressed his lips grimly together, hoping that some solution

to his younger counterpart's affliction would be found in one of the

buildings he had seen at the base of the strange mountain.

Jeff and East gently lifted Maximus to his feet, supporting him between

them as they began to make their way along the rock-strewn trail that

skirted the edge of the enormous, barren, bowl-shaped valley between

them and the volcanic plug. Terry kept urging everyone to hurry, the

rank upon rank of black helicopters heading toward the circular valley

causing him some degree of alarm.
                             

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" came a shout from behind him and, turning, he saw

that Jeffrey had lost his footing and was rolling down the long, curving

slope of the crater. Ute was instantly there, half running, half sliding

in the loose shale as she scrambled after him. Jeffrey rolled out into

the center of the crater just as snow started to fall. A red light

shone all around him and he began to disappear.

"NO!" cried Ute, "Not without ME!" and she dove headlong into the

light, wrapping her arms tightly about his legs.

Ando stood there at the top edge of the crater, watching as Ute

and Jeffrey disappeared into the bowels of the large, silver orb

hovering over the crater. She shook her head, "Is there some movie

Joimus has NOT seen?" she asked of no one in particular.

"I doubt it," BertiWise said, adding, "I wonder....will we see those

two again?"

Lachlan smiled, "They are probably only gone For the Moment, I imagine."

Ando shook her head again. Characters! Always sneaking in a plug for their

own movie!

"HURRY!" Terry shouted. The ranks of helicopters were getting closer and

a hidden mike had begun to play Wagner's Valkyrie swooping music.
                        

"ACK!" shrieked Amanda. "Are we having the Apocalypse now?"

Phyllis, ever calm, studied the giant crater. "No," she replied, "judging

from this crater, I'd say Armageddon was the more likely scenario."

Amanda, deeply impacted by this statement, buried her face in her

hands and wailed.

"Amanda," Bud said, placing a large hand on her shoulder, "I thought

you were afraid of whales."

Amanda shrieked again, jumped over the forms of two sheep and a

cow pretending to be dead, and dashed off in the general direction

of the volcanic plug.

Tipping her head, Joimus stared up at the brilliantly azure sky.

The heat beat down in a way that reminded her of long-ago days when

she and Lawrence had crossed The Sun's Anvil together. Ah, but now

was not the time to recall battles against the Turks. No, she was

worried about Maximus. He was perspiring heavily, little drops of

blue sweat trickling down his neck, his face, plopping off his chin

onto the sand where they dried instantly, making a trail of tiny blue

polkadots on either side of the drag marks left by the toes of his

boots.

Bending, she scooped up a palmful of sand, studying the spot left by

a sweat drop, wondering what the consequences of the blue sweat

might be. Absently, she let the sand sift through her fingers.

"Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!" reprimanded Sid, coming up behind her. "I thought

only the good General was allowed to sift."

Joimus whirled to face the Chipman, but bit off the sharp retort

that had sprung to her lips. She narrowed her eyes (so much

narrowing in epis!), looking sharply at him, her brain attempting

to fit some nebulous puzzle piece into place. Forcing a smile, she said,

"Sid, tell me about nanogoo."

He grinned widely, flashing perfect white teeth at her. "You'd like

that, wouldn't you?" he smirked, squatting down, pressing a fingertip

onto a blue spot in the sand. He stood, slowly lifting his finger

towards his mouth, then licking the blue off with a long, curling

motion of his tongue. "Yes," he said, lowering his long lashes,

"you would like that." He backed up a few paces, mocked her with

a sweeping bow, then simply walked away.

Joimus, watching him walk, indulged in a pleasant daydream in which

she had planted land mines in his path.

In another two hours of trudging, the cast reached the barbed wire

fence that marked the abrupt transition from desert to rolling green

pastureland. After they made it to the other side, aided by careful

use of Terry's equipment, they were, indeed, all glad to stop and

sit on the benches lined up in front of the bus stop sign. After sitting

there for some while, Alex could no longer resist investigating the

LA city bus that was parked nearby. Using a sausage, he pried open

the doors and went up the steps. It was completely empty.

As he got off again, Pat came up, pointing at the destination sign

across the front of the bus. "Look, Alex," she said, "it reads

'Lava Plug'. Do you suppose this bus has been left here just for us?"

He flashed the Countess a slightly crooked grin. "Sure looks like it,

doesn't it." Cupping his mouth, he shouted, "Hey! Come on over here!"

to the rest of the cast.

Footsore and sunburnt, they were all ready to ride for a change.

The keys had been conveniently left in the ignition and the gas tank

 was full. If only they had not been so very tired, they might have

paid more attention to the fact that Sid did not board the bus, but

stood back, smiling with a bit too much satisfaction as they drove

off down the suddenly crowded four-lane expressway leading toward

the strange mountain.
                                      

Alex was happy. It had been a long while since he had gotten to drive

a vehicle of any sort, much less an LA city bus. He pressed heavily on

the accelerator, the bus gathering speed. Yes, he had been walking

and walking. Now he needed some....speed.

East and Jeff had propped Maximus in the back corner seat of the

bus, his right temple resting against the window. Joimus sat beside

him, holding his left hand, talking to him softly as though he could

actually understand her words.

BertiWise, seated beside Bud more towards the center of the bus,

remarked, "Bud, do you hear a strange ticking sound?"

By George, he DID! Getting down on his knees, he pressed an ear

to the floorboards of the aisle. His seagreen eyes widened. "It's

a....bomb," he said softly....but, alas, not quite softly enough.
                                         

"A BOMB!" shrieked Ando. "There's a BOMB under the bus??!?"

Pat leaned over Alex's shoulder. "Ummm...how fast are you going,

Babycakes," she inquired.

"Just a bit over 50," he replied.

"Well, then," she added, "don't slow down...or we're toast."

"How do you know that?" he asked, puzzled by the assured tone

of her voice.

"Hey, I go to the movies once in a while, too, you know," she

stated a bit huffily. Then her own eyes widened as she recalled

 something. Turning, she faced the back of the bus, saying loudly

and firmly, "Nobody shoot the bus driver. You got that? Nobody

shoots the driver!"

"What ARE you talking about?" Alex grumped.

The Countess smiled. "I don't want to end up having to drive

this thing."

Lucilla, still clutching the curve of gourd shell to her breast with

both hands, braced herself with her knees against the seatback.

The precious seed was sloshing. She gritted her teeth. Maximus'

seed would NOT be spilled on the floor of an LA city bus! Not if

she had anything to say about it!

Why were so many thousands of vehicles all heading toward the

lava plug? Not to mention all the cattle and sheep that lay scattered

here and there about the highway, pretending to be dead. Alex

swerved this way and that way, avoiding minivans, dune buggies.....

tanks.

Jack, blessed with good sealegs, stood in the open door of the bus

as it swerved. Grasping the rail with his left hand, he leaned out into

the wind, his epaulette-fringe beating wildly on his shoulders, his lips

curving in a closed-mouth smile to keep the moths from impacting his

teeth. "Turn here!" he shouted to Alex.

The bus tilted sharply as it took the corner at full speed.

"Why?" he called back to the Captain.

"I have no idea," Jack replied. "It just says so in the script."

BertiWise shook her head, "There IS no script. There's NEVER

a script!"

"Never mind that now," Bud said as he removed the floor panel in

the center of the aisle. "Hold onto my belt." BertiWise smiled.

This was a request fraught with possibilities. Bud leaned, his head

and shoulders dangling through the opened panel. "I see it!" he

called back up to BertiWise.

"Good!" she replied, "What does it look like?"

"It's got a watch for a timer....a Mickey Mouse watch."

Bunny, close enough to hear, gasped. She had bought a Mickey

Mouse watch in the Cairo bazaar and given it to....Sid....just before

they began their journey down the Nile. A tear formed in the corner

of her eye. How could he have let her get on the bus?

"Oh, NooOoOoOoOooooo!" shouted Pat from the front of the bus.

"What? Oh, no....WHAT?" shrieked Ando, sinking her fingernails

into a black tattoo.

"The lava plug!" Pat hollered, "The road dead ends at the side of

the lava plug!"

"Shucks!" muttered BertiWise. "And I'd so hoped for a scene

with mashed potatoes!"

As BugDogMomPug saw the sheer rock face of the lava plug looming

ever closer, she piled her 17 1/2 remaining baskets in front of her

and Biebe as sort of a woven air bag. Ever considerate, Biebe

removed his giant bearskin hat and placed it tenderly on PugMomDogBug's

head as further padding. She smiled tremulously at him, unable to believe

there would be no more snowbanks in their future.
                                        

This exchange had not eluded Zack's notice, and he, in kind,

spread his beard across Susan Guildford's chest, tucking its

lower parts about her legs. Susan could not resist a glance at

Ando, completely unshielded as the Londoner was by the smooth

surfaces of her character.

All the characters were, indeed, proving their gentlemanly and

protective natures. Terry's equipment towered up, firm and strong,

in front of Ann. Though, one wonders, just how having her person

thrust suddenly against it would actually provide any cushioning

effect. Ending it all in such a fashion, though, did not seem to be

causing her all that much distress somehow.

Colin, taking his cue from his furry fellow, completely enveloped

Eryn in sideburns, using first the left, then folding the right

atop for twice the protection. Phyllis, however, still felt terribly

vulnerable. Russell had draped Big Blue over her head, but as

only two square inches of the plaid flannel remained intact and

even that was worn to near transparency, its impact-shielding

effect was almost nil. She sighed, resigning herself to her fate,

and just pressed herself closely into Himself's bare chest.

In the back of the bus, Joimus had carefully arranged the rust-

colored cape so that the thick layer of faux wolf fur lay in front

of Maximus' face.

BertiWise still heroically grasped Bud's belt as he continued to

dangle halfway under the hurtling bus. Always, it seemed, it fell

to the lot of the LA police officer of the cast to dangle under

the hurtling bus. Arthur, watching, was glad of that fact. His

gladitude was cut short, howsomever, by Hando's sudden, rough

grabbing of his person. He found himself stuffed between Ando

and the seatback, his nose twisted to one side against her left

cheekbone.

Ando glared at Hando through the one eyeball she was still able

to open. The Melbourner shrugged. "It was the softest thing I

could find," he explained. If he had been able to move his mouth,

Arthur would have grimaced at being called an "it".

Jack still hung out the open doorway, looking at the lava plug through

his telescope. It didn't seem all that close. Perhaps there might yet

be time for him to figure out some clever Kirk-like ploy. Juditha,

feeling a great need to be by her Captain's side at this crucial

moment in epidom, leaned out beside him, ignoring the sting of

wind-whipped epaulette fringe flogging her brow. How handsome,

how commanding he appeared to her adoring eyes, his long blond

locks having loosened from their leather thong and blowing wildly in

the wind, his seagreen eye peering through the telescope....

she gasped.....backwards! He was looking through the wrong

end of the scope.

"JACK!" she shouted, her cry flung vainly into the face of the

gale. "JACK!" she tried again. Using all the strength she had

developed from long years of splitting rails to fence in the state

of Iowa, she struggled against the powerful force of the air,

stretching her right arm out and tapping on the far end of his

telescope, attracting his attention to the small printing there

which read, "Objects in wrong end of telescope are closer than

they may appear."

Startled by sudden, terrible realization, Jack fumbled and

almost dropped his scope. How had he been so utterly distracted

as to let THIS happen? Then he remembered that when he had

opened his mouth to shout, "Turn here!" to Alex, how the large

and crunchy grasshopper had become lodged between his upper

incisors. After beating the insect loose with his telescope, he must

have completely failed to notice which end were out. His brow knit in

determination that this would never happen to him again. Indeed,

with the sudden impact looming so nearly in his future, it likely

would not.

Bunny sat immobile, a single, unheeded tear trickling down the

curve of her cheek. Sid had let her get on the bus. Her brain

had locked onto that unimaginable thought, jamming its synaptic

gears, unable to think of anything else. Sid....had let....HER...

get on the bus, a bus he KNEW had a Mickey Mouse bomb beneath

its floorboards. Even the bite of chocolate-covered carrot that only

moments before had seemed so tasty, lay unchewed across her

quivering tongue. Why? Why had Sid let her get on the bus?

There must be some...reason. There had to be some reason.

Absently, her fingers began to caress the carving stone that lay

in her large pocket. *OUCH!* Quickly bringing her finger to her

mouth, she sucked off a drop of blood. She had forgotten her

recent honing of the rock and how very sharp its point now was.

Her eyes widened. Of COURSE! Sid did not REALLY want all the

Russell characters and their female cohorts to splatter against

the sheer rock face of the lava plug! He was just toying with them

to entertain himself! That MUST be it! That HAD to be it!

She withdrew the carving rock and smiled as she stared down at it,

so small and sharp upon her palm, yet so marvelously empowered.

Turning, her eyes met Joimus' and she held up her carving stone,

giving it a slight shake.

Joimus nodded, then mouthed, "Hurry!" Bunny ran up the aisle,

placed both palms on Bud's bent back, leapfrogged over him, and

dashed to the front of the bus.

"What was THAT?" Bud hollered up. "Just a passing rabbit,"

BertiWise replied, distracted by her hopes that the upcoming

series of speed bumps would not decapitate her cop.

Phyllis, her lovely face framed in the flannel fray of Himself's

left elbow hole, tipped her head, fastening her eyes on the

beloved countenance, comforted that at least it would be the

last thing she saw on this earth. Sue, too, feeling generous

in this moment of impending demise, actually unlocked Cort's

chains from the handlegrip of the seatback, pulling him down

snuggly between herself and Grecian Mary, even going so far as

to let young Mary receive a few grains of his dust.

Ando, had she not been so pressed against Arthur's person,

would have shaken her head at this blatant attempt on the part

of the Vile One to gain eternal brownie points. Meanwhile, Bunny

had reached the front of the bus and cut out the windshield to

the right of Alex. Pat gasped at the sudden inrush of wind.

"Bunny, what are you DOING?" she shouted. The English rabbit,

however, had no time for explanations. They were less than a

hundred yards from the sheer rock wall of the mountain. Bracing

herself as best she could against the wind and the jostling of the

bus as it passed over the speed bumps marking the end of the

highway, ignoring the large neon orange sign beside the road that

read STOP NOW OR SEVERE BODILY SPLATTERING WILL OCCUR,

she slid out onto the short hood of the bus. Stabilizing herself by

tucking her toes through the windshield wiper blades, she stretched

out on her belly, carving stone clutched in her teeth as her fingers

reached toward the chrome hood ornament.

(Chrome hood ornament on an LA city bus, you ask? Please stop and

recall to mind that this IS a MOVIE bus! Sheesh!)

Just...a...few...inches....more. The tip of her middle finger brushed

the back of the leaping chrome jaguar (hey, it was from the Beverly

Hills part of the city!!) . Just then a particularly large bounce from

a speed bump taken at over 50 MPH jarred her chin down onto the

hood causing her to loosen her bite on the carving stone....which went

skittering off to one side, accompanied by the partially masticated

bite of chocolate carrot. Only 20 more yards remained until impact

as she uncurled her toes from the wiper blades, swung her body out

and to the left, grabbing the chrome jaguar with her right hand and

the carving stone with her left, wisely deciding just to let the chocolate

carrot go. In one smooth motion she continued her swing in a complete

arc in front of the bus and back up and over, ending in a sitting

position straddling the jaguar. Timing now was everything.

Flipping the rock into carving position, she coiled every muscle in

her body. She would have one nanosecond....and one only.....during

which she was close enough to the rock but not yet only a pleasant

recall in one of Sid's memory chips. NOW! Her arm moved in a

blur of motion. Alex pulled the Countess into his lap, closing his

eyes tightly shut as everything went suddenly black.