A CHRISTMAS CROWE
THE LAST ELDEREPI
BY: Jo, Mari, Deb
DIRECTLY CONTINUED FROM THE END OF "THE RETURN OF THE CAPTAIN"
part 1...by Mari
"Go!!" He mouthed
to Jo and Maximus "Go, all of you! It will take you all to
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
...Victorian era,
London. That's right, my fellow Peeps, our heroic clan of
characters and fans
walked through the arched doorway back in time when
Dickens strolled the
streets of
London. Not just any section of London,
either,
'tis the fictional place
when a miser named Scrooge roamed about with humbug
on his lips.
Yes, 'tis is A Christmas
Crowe-Carol! Here in the new epi, Christmas tales
combine into a
hodge-podge of merriment and tacky decorations. Each
building was the
entryway into a new tale. There were Babes in Toys R Us,
Miracle on
34th Street Station,
It's a Wonderful Winter Wonderland, and
JCPrancer,
Dasher & Dancer.
Amanda groaned, "Ok, now
I really wish I had picked up that faux-fur at the
mall. It's bloody
freezing out here!"
Just then down
the snowy street was the bent figure of..
part 2...by Jo
.....(Can you really believe they left it up to ME as to whom this bent figure
might be....
one may think 'Scrooge' right off the bat...but, hey, when have I ever been known to
think right off the bat....right?)
.........the bent figure of....Lachlan. Wanda rushed up, flinging her arms about the young
airman and looking with concern at his worn and tired features. "Where have you BEEN?"
she cried anxiously in her soft Mississippi accent. "I had to write Joimus offlist to ask what
had become of you and now...here you are...all bent and tired!"
The falling snowflakes clung to his blue uniform as he sat heavily down on the curb of
Downing Street. Wanda, noticing the number between 9 and 11 that adorned the door
behind them, could not help but ask, "Have you...been... with Hugh Grant?"
Lachlan was too tired to be insulted. "Look, Luv, actually I have been (so clever he was
to get in the name of Hugh's movie like that!) at Kew all day pulling carriages about the
park."
Wanda was puzzled. "But...but...WHY?" she asked reasonably.
Lachlan, his lips pressed together in a white line of exhaustion, managed to reply,
"Reasonably? Yes, Wanda, I heard you think 'reasonably' in your thought. Do you
ACTUALLY think that 'reasonably' is a word that one can use in anything epily
connected?"
Wanda nodded in instant agreement, recalling the time Lachlan had landed his plane
atop the Orient Express and swung himself through the window of the coach where the
large-toothed redhead had just been...er...done in.
"Still, Lachlan," Wanda continued, patting the sleeve of his uniform and glad of a bit of
epi time after a long drought, "can you tell me why you have been pulling KewCarriages
all day in the snow here in Victorian London?"
Lachlan closed his seagreen eyes for a long moment, then shook his head as though
attempting to dislodge some well-lodged fogginess. "It was the poppy."
"The poppy?" queried Wanda, "I thought the poppy was left growing in the Galapashires
two epis ago."
"It was," he murmured, "It was. It was explained how Susan was the poppy while the
poppy was the horse...but it was never explained fully what happened to the actual horse."
Wanda paused her patting, remembering that scent of grass on his breath and the
impressive musculature of his flanks...those bits of hay clinging to the bottoms of his feet.
She gulped, her eyes widening. "But, Lachlan, if the horse were Lachlan....where...er, were...YOU?"
The airman plucked savagely at his uniform jacket. "It was THIS! It was because this
uniform is BLUE that Siduron chose me to co-share space with the horse!"
Wanda gulped again, picturing their passionate embrace and long kissing session behind
the tapestry. "Co-share? Wha..what do you mean by co-share, Lachlan?"
"We were together," he replied somberly..."like in Star Trek when Kirk and Sargon
shared Kirk's body."
She could not help herself. Wanda's hand instinctively wiped across her lips.
Lachlan noticed and shuddered. The snow began falling faster and in larger flakes,
coating his slumped shoulders.
"But..Kew...Lachlan. Why Kew?"
"Do you think I WANTED to pull carriages all day!" he said, raising his deep voice a bit
too much. He buried his handsome, young face in his hands. "It was the bloody horse!
How was I to know Sid had stolen him from Central Park? How was I to know how
homesick he was and that when he saw Kew he could hardly wait to get in harness??"
"But, dearest, where is the horse NOW," Wanda asked with much trepidation.
"I...I'm...not sure," Lachlan stammered. "We were passing the main greenhouse when everything went bright blue and suddenly I found myself....here."
"Oh, darling," Wanda cried, wrapping her arms protectively about him, "it's all right.
You're safe now."
But WAS he? Was Sid even at that very moment thinking Rudolph thoughts....or even...
Nestor?
Not far around the corner, Maximus and Jo had entered the Old Curiosity Shoppe.
Maximus was, indeed, curious about old curiosities, finding them somewhat more familiar
than new curiosities. Walking up to the counter, he asked the shopkeeper, "Have you any
only slightly-used battle axes for sale?"
Ah, Jo thought...once a General...always a General. "Come, my love," she said, drawing
him across the room to where there was a lovely display of antique jewelry.
"'Tis Christmas! Do not be thinking such battle axeish thoughts today!"
It was hard for the Commander of the Felix Legions, but he agreed to try and began to
examine a particularly finely engraved gold ring that reminded him somewhat of his
own.
Just then Biebe burst through the door of the shoppe, "Maximus!" he called urgently,
"Come quickly!"
Maximus and Jo rushed out onto the street, looking to where Biebe was pointing...but they
were too late. It was horrible beyond all contemplation! Cap'n Jack had been mercilessly
hauled away to play backup violin in Trafalgar Square where Barry Manilow Christmas:
Live By Request was about to begin. Could they get there in time to save him?
Frantically the trio dashed down the streets of Londontown. "NO!" Jo shrieked as
Maximus started down a northward-leading street. "NOOOoOOOOOOooo! Don't go
THAT way! ANDO lives THAT way!!!"
But Maximus had skidded to a stop all on his own, transfixed by the sight of Cleopatra's
Needle in the distance. Biebe, uninterested in the sight, shouted, "For Pete's sake,
Maximus! Now is not the time to think of SEWING!!! We must save the newly returned
Captain!"
But Maximus was recalling all the stories he had heard in his childhood of Anthony and
his visits to Egypt. He looked fondly down at Joimus, his long lashes casting delicious
shadows on his cheekbones. "Did I ever tell you about what they did on that golden
barge?"
Joimus smiled, as they walked off in the general direction of the Tiber...er... Thames,
arm in arm, "No," she said softly, "please tell me...." and her voice trailed off in the
distance as Biebe ran for Trafalgar.
How very ironic it was, the sheriff thought as he sprinted expertly down the ice-coated sidewalks, that Aubrey should be carried off captive to TRAFALGAR of all the squares
there
were in Londontown.
part 3...by Debs
A sorry sight greeted him when he arrived. Barry was sitting in one of the square's famous fountains, up to his waist in water, crying and Jack was pacing around him. "You see, Mr. Manilow, if I'm to make a seaman of you, Sir, you've got to look good when wet, Sir!
Observe if you please Mr. Manilow!"
Jack ripped off his heavy coat, his jacket and waistcoat ... the ladies in the crowd
'Ooooooohed' right on cue. He then threw himself face down in to the water and
suddenly sprung out again! Rivulets of water trickled down his face, his big white shirt
clung to the contours of his battle hardened torso, his hair damp to his cheek and his
seagreen eyes blazed at the sheer pleasure of being wet. "See Mr. Manilow? Now you
try! We haven't a moment to loose! Get up, Sir, do!! " boomed Jack.
"But I don't want to be a sailor!" wailed Barry. "I write the songs that make the whole
world sing!" he blubbed like a baby.
"Lubbers! Lubbers all!" cried Jack as he leapt from the water and bounded over to meet
Jo and Maximus.
Maximus proclaimed, "Enough is enough!" We need to get to an Ye Olde Alehouse at
once for mulled wine and a thing called Christmas Nibbles! The streets of Old London
Town at night are no place for Innocents!"
Unbeknown to the Peeps, a figure scuttled about in the laneway, eyeing all the pretties .
Oh yes! He was going to catch one of those lovelies and carry them off to his Victorian
home and force them to marry him! But which one? Ah! Yes! He'd seen .........
part 4...by Mari
…. Debs trying to hide within the enormous crowd of woolen scarves and coats. Winter
apparel could not hide her loveliness. But who was he? He chuckled to himself as he approached her pale figure trying to hide from Mari, the current epi author and the
dominatrix over her fate this time around.
Yes, Debs was about to be peepnapped by none other than…the Grinch! Ah, but this was
not a Jim Carrey knock off. This Grinch was much more in tune with the epi. The Grinch
was for all purposes not what the Grand Doctor Seuss had described. The Grinch was
indeed a man of secrets, and one he held dear as he hid further into his green scarf.
He was not hideous nor was he green. Ah yes, in fact, the Grinch in this epi was none
other than a Crowe look alike. And he had his eye set on Debs, the elven vixen from the
previous epi that had a certain love for her horse.
So while the Peeps and other characters made their way to the Gaslight Inn for some
warm cider, the Grinch moved in and snatched Debs. Once she saw who he was, a
bearded rogue dressed in green, she stopped her struggling and smiled as she gazed into
those sea green eyes.
and Maximus cuddled together, and so did Hando and Andrea. Ah, yes, romance and
joy was in the air for our troop of Peeps. It was a nice break from the chaos until…
seeing her after Jack’s demo to Barry of the joys of trickling wet droplets running over
bare skin .
Just then through the Inn doors burst…...
part 5...by Jo
...Cort! He was wet to the skin from his swim across the Thames and all Peeps in
the
room immediately set down their mulled cider mugs and engaged in the "beholding
ceremony' such an entrance by him required. His seagreen eyes glittered with passion
as he cried, "Where have I been in these blasted epis!!!"
Joimus nodded in agreement. Yes, it was true. He had not even gotten to share his liver,
now had he? And such a beautiful character he was, too. Sue the often but not always
Vile, kicked her wooden chair aside and strode over to him, grabbing him by his black
lapels and propelling him in the direction of the large fireplace. Grecian Mary and Paula
G began to stand, but Lucilla wisely told them to stay in their seats if they wished to
survive the night. When Sue was in full Cort-drying mode, it was dangerous to life and
limb to get in her path.
Half an hour later, just as Sue was transferring the last bit of dust to Cort's chest, the
cowboy blinked and cried out, "Oh, I almost forgot! Just as I climbed up the Embankment,
I saw Debs being dragged away by something green."
"Gee, THANKS for telling us," Mari said, peeking out from under Jack's greatcoat.
"Well...I was...er....distracted," Cort explained reasonably. Sue just grinned.
Buggie, all warm and cozy in her pubbasket where she was nestled with Biebe, remarked crossly, "Sheesh! Now I suppose we'll all have to leave the Gaslight and go down the
BLOC and
begin Other Ways of Searching."
Maximus had already gotten to his feet, though, at Cort's words, as had all the other
characters who were in the room (I say that because not ALL of them were!). If there
were anything a character could not abide, it was one of his Peeps in danger! "Green,
you say?" queried Bud, especially angry because it was a female who may have been
harmed.
"Yes," Cort affirmed. I caught just a quick glance of lime green gloves and seagreen eyes.
At least a dozen pairs of seagreen eyes exchanged glances around the room. It was almost
as bad as that morning when Juditha had been carried off into the canyon and everyone's footprints were exactly the same size as those left by the kidnapper. "Oh, and he had a
beard," added Cort helpfully.
Several hands went up to clean-shaven chins and there were sighs of relief. "Hmmmm?" hmmmmed Bud." Then it wasn't Sid THIS time." Everyone knew Sid was so vain about
the
perfection of his jawline that he would never cover it with facial hair.
Meanwhile, the debsnapped Peep had been hauled up the steps and into the parlour of
a large and dark Victorian mansion and plopped unceremoniously down on a purple
velvet fainting couch. Her eyes bugged as she saw its color in the pale glow of the
moonlight that streamed in through the purple lace curtains. Oh, NOOOO! It WAS
purple!!! How could this BE? Only ONE character loved purple almost as much as he
loved blue. But THIS character would NEVER have on green attire and a beard! It was
all too much for the Irish lassie to bear. She WAS reclining on a fainting couch, and were
it not for her years spent teaching the Ecuadorian army the latest in invasion tactics and
the experience she had had in lion wrestling whilst trapped in that large African pit for
3 months, she might have availed herself of its purpose.
The form in green lit the gas chandelier then turned in her direction, removing his faux
beard and green outerwear. "I am SO clever!" he chortled in that glee that only Sid had
over mayhem. 'And you, my pretty, are mine...ALL mine!"
But Debs was Irish and as soon as he had removed his greens, she no longer found him attractive in that strange way she had had earlier in the evening.
He frowned as he watched the lovelight die out of her eyes and would have... well...it
doesn't matter, for just then the parlour door blew inward and standing before his
horrified eyes was a wavering, whitish form that announced, "Scroogid....you have been
a baaaaaaad boy! I am the ghost of Peepmas Past and have come to take you to the North
Pole where we need you to replace Santa Claus."
Little did the ghost know of Scroogid's great phobias not only of rooftops but of reindeer. Or....perhaps it did. Perhaps it truly did.
"NoOoOOoOOooooooo!" shrieked Scroogid, running screaming from the room.
The "ghost" threw off its layers of white gauze and, unwrapping the green garland, helped
Debs to her feet. It was Aubrey himself! "How did you know about his fear of reindeer?"
she asked in wonderment.
"It was easy," the captain replied. "I had a run-in with a particularly large Elf a few weeks
back myself. It was a brutal battle, but he had the families with kiddies on his side. However,
I did manage to get this useful piece of information outta the guy on a popcorn run."
"Oh, Cap'n!" murmured Debs, moving as close to him as she could. "I am SO grateful!"
Just then Mari popped out from under the greatcoat, "Watch the gratitude, missy!" she
snarled.
The 3 went back down the steps of the mansion to where the rest of the Peeps and characters were gathered. Everyone was so proud of the character of the captain that Russell had portrayed. Lucilla shouted out, "It's a Wonderful Peep!"
Just then Rusty disappeared, reappearing on the Waterloo Bridge and looking down at the
dark waters of the Thames. "If you jump," said a scruffy -looking angel, "you'll never know what Peepdom would be like without you."
Rusty, covering the elbow holes of Big Blue with his shivering hands, followed the angel
back towards the city. Standing there in Big Blue beneath Big Ben, he looked about.
Everything was as it would be had there never been a Russell Crowe.
It was awful! Andrea was standing on the steps of Westminster Cathedral singing Swiss
yodeling songs with Christopher Plummer. Sue was putting dust all over Kevin Costner. Amanda was getting Tom Cruise's autograph.
Russell looked at the marquee of the Westminster Cineplex. They were playing Gladiator...starring Keanu Reeves. In the window of the bookstore was a display of
Patrick O'Brien novels with Johnny Depp's face on their covers. How could the entire
world be so WRONG!
His arms hanging limply at his side, he walked along Whitehall, finally making a left onto
Thirty Peepth Street. Perhaps he would find a miracle on THIS street? It was midnight
and the snow fell thickly, clinging to his moustache, his beard, his eyelashes, and the frayed
ends of Big Blue. Then...
part 6...by Debs
and only then he realized that he had made a difference. He saw the unhappy faces of people
who had come from the Cinema, people passed him saying to one another "I could really
see someone else in that 'Gladiator' part, someone with the heart of a lion, the intelligence
of a man who has lived and the face of a fallen angel ..."
He saw copies of books flung into trash cans at the side of the street. Without him to play
the Captain, the Captain would never have been lifted from the page and made flesh. He
sat on the steps overlooking the river and smiled as he caught snow-flakes in his hand,
taking delight in the silence of the snow and the feeling of contentment in his heart. The
world without him would have been a very tame place indeed and he knew it.
Back at the inn, all in all it was a fine evening until yet again a figure came bursting thro
the door!
"Maximus!" cried a man in red and white.
"Santa!" cried Maximus.
"You'll never guess what's happened! ........."
part
7...by Mari
... "Then there's not a
moment to lose!" cried Jack.
"A bit premature,
darling, since we don't know what happened," Mari said.
Santa stood by
the door allowing the cold winter air blast through our partying Peeps and
characters.
"Well, what is it?"
asked an impatient Maximus.
"The entire world
is in danger. Russ is doubting his own worthiness."
"Holy smoke,"
cried Cort. "That could be the end of us all!"
"Indeed, then--"
Jack was
interrupted by a chorus of Peeps finishing, "there's not a moment to lose."
Their entire
world was in danger. Who could imagine their Aussie hero not gracing the
Peeps with his charming good looks and rapier wit. Who would Mari dream of when the
nights turned cold? Who would Ando stroke into contented bliss? Who, yes who, would
our Jo obsess about in her free time from the
Barbarian Horde?
But what could
our group do? They burst out into the London Streets calling for their true
hero to find the purpose in life to continue. Each paired off looking for some way to help
Russ in need. Debs, Mari and the Captain took off toward the shoppe of various discounted delights, The Wharf-mart. Meanwhile Hando and Andrea headed off to Babes in Toys R Us,
and Jo and Maximus went in
search of the Five and Pence.
Biebe, Sunnie,
and some of the other Peeps and characters all split ways in search of how to
help Russ. But what could they do to help? What exactly could help his
troubled mind into believing in the spirit of Christmas and Crowe cheer?
A figure stood
laughing in the shadows at the group trying to save their beloved Russ. He
was full of disguises and the Santa one was a winner. Not
ONE of
them figured it was him.
Meanwhile Russ was
trying to figure out the entire meaning in his life.
Just then around
the corner appeared........
part 8...by Jo
....Ron Howard. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he ran up and grabbed
Russell
by his shoulders, heedlessly knocking the frozen vulture to the pavement where its icy
wings cracked completely off and were carried away in the snowmelt.
Russ had been so deep in retrospection as he stood there on Thirty Peepth Street that he
had failed to notice the large bird perching on his shoulder, much less been aware of its
freezing process there in the frigid London midnight.
Ron, who had been known to use fake pigeons on the Princeton lawns, thought it merely
a prop Russ was using to enhance the overall effect of his forlornicity. Little did he know
that had that been the Aussie's intention, it would have been a carnivorous koala and not
a vulture at all. Carnivorous koalas were rare, indeed, and for one of them to have frozen
to death on the suffering shoulders of the Aussie actor would have made MUCH more of
a statement. Or so our hero would have thought had he thought of it at all. But I digress!
Our hero had been sent thought-wise to the far side of the world by Debsworth, but his
body remained there in deepest Londontown. Ron's frantic clutching caused little flannelfraycicles to break loose from Big Blue, tinkling like tiny Christmas bells to the pavement. Russ blinked. The flannelfraycicles were playing Waltzing Matilda as they
broke themselves in fragments at his booted feet. He smiled. Only an Australian flannel
shirt would be so talented. He blinked again. What was this skinny director shouting at
him?
"Jim Braddock, Man...Jim Braddock!! You've GOT to snap out of this funk you're in and
come back to us, whole! Well, maybe not so whole as you were as Aubrey. Perhaps a bit
more trimmed down and with more muscle tone here and there and a bit more firmness
under the jawline....but you MUST come back! There is simply no one else whom I can
have beaten to a pulp so well as you; no one who can carry sacks at the docks with just
one hand as you; no one who can...."
But Ron was interrupted by Johnny rushing up and shouting, "Russ! If you don't come
back my car will stall on the railroad crossing!"
Jack Corbett pushed Johnny out of the way, "No, Russ, I need you MORE! Only YOU
can dangle crudified dog tags freshly dug up from tropical graves in that unique way of
yours!"
The mention of dog tags attracted Terry who said firmly, "Can you imagine Greg Kinnear
(cute as he is) hanging successfully from a helicopter in spite of head wounds and exploding bombs? Of course not! YOU must come back to us!"
Cort added, "Do you think Sharon Stone would say that Geoffrey Rush is the sexiest actor
in the movies today?"
Jax piped in with, "And do you think Julia Roberts would have been so delighted if Jack Nicholson had NOT gotten the Oscar for ABM?"
Bert cried out, "Joan Rivers! Don't forget Joan Rivers! What if she only had Tom Hanks to grouse about on the red carpet??"
They were all making good points, they were, but it was Joimus who made the clincher,
having spent her teen years on an angus farm and all. "Russell," she said calmly, "your
cows. Remember your cows."
THAT did it! His bovine affection was hailed round the world! It was, indeed, why he
always wore only Big Blue to remind him of the affectionate nibbles of his beloved heifers
as they attempted to dine on his shirt. The light of the nearby gas lamp grew brighter and brighter, enveloping him in its luminous glow. The snow turned into red poppy petals as
the crowd roared. (Ooops...wrong movie! )
"YES!" he bellowed upwards into the now-starry sky. Thirty Peepth Street had once again
lived up to its function. Russell ran back to the Waterloo Bridge, looking for the scruffy
angel.
"I want to be myself again," he cried.
If only he had seen the man in the red suit, lurking in the shadows of Parliament, watching,
also wanting to be Himself. It was a terrible decision. Should he attempt Peepnap again, or should he stuff the Aussie into his toy bag and take over Himselfitude? He smiled wickedly.
"Of course!" and then he....
AND THUS ENDETH THE ELDEREPIS. FROM THIS POINT, HENCEFORTH AND FORTHWITH, TO BE WRITTEN ONLY BY JO. THE FIRST OF THE CLASSIC EPIS, IS DIRECTLY CONTINUED FROM WHENCE THIS ONE LEAVES OFF....ONWARD...