Chapter 1:  "Honey, I'm home!"

(Directly continued from the end of "A Yook By Any Other Name")

"There!" the strange woman said.  "My work is done!"  She turned to Himself.  "Nice meeting you in person, Himself. I've sorta always wanted to do that, you know. Bye now!" and she was out the door and gone.  Himself just stood there, struck dumb.  

On the bed, Joimus moved, turning in Maximus' arms so that they were face to face. "I knew," she whispered, nibbling at his ear, "that she would never be able to leave us actually dead, you know."  
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She was right, but there HAD been that single, unimaginably terrible moment at the end of Epi 18 when temptation had reared its ugly head and she had stopped to fondle it.

                                     

In a few moments of male clothing exchange, the three men were soon back in their officially assigned gear.  Sid went to the small bathroom in the back of the caravan, scrubbing the nanosauce from his face. Sheesh! Put a General in one's body for a while and he almost ruins the thing!! Luckily, there just happened to be a fresh spray canister of "BlueOff" on the counter beside the sink and he could remove the nanosauce from the front of his suit where Maximus had impaled himself on the mirror shard.   Turning, he studied his reflection. Everything was perfect once again and he smiled at what was, of course, the most handsome of all the character faces.

                                     

 
When he was finished, he walked back to the front where Himself was in the midst of a quiet explanation of how recent deadly events had affected both Jack and Bud.  Indeed, Joimus' last sight on this earth had been the explosion of light and powder from the end of Bud's gun barrel.  "Jack says Bud has simply walked off into the west," Himself sighed.

"I know," Joimus startled him by replying.  

"You KNOW? How could you possibly know?" he queried.

"I...visited...him on the rock," she said, smiling slightly.  "I wanted to let him know I was all right...but he couldn't grasp my message, I fear."

 

Himself decided not to probe further into the thought of that for the present.   He looked at Maximus.  "Jack is absolutely devastated by this," he explained. "He's at Rose's now. I felt he might find some rest, some peace, in her presence."

 

"Rose?" asked Maximus. "Who is Rose?"

 

"You know wh...," Himself started to say, then realized that, indeed, Maximus did not as he had been chained in the shed the whole time whilst Sid ventured about in the rust-colored cape, not to mention the actual living body of the General of the Felix Legions.  "She's our costume designer for Eucalyptus," he explained.  "She and Jack have been, um, getting to know one another."  

 

"She's very nice," Joimus assured Maximus.  "She fixed my dress after Sid tore it on the bed."  

 

Himself sucked in his breath, waiting for Maximus to swoop down upon Sid and perform at least some small dismemberment at Joimus' words.  Instead, the General looked up fondly at Sid as he entered the room, going so far as actually to smile at him.  Sid smiled back, equally fondly.

                                

"All RIGHT!" Himself burst out.  "What in blue blazes is going on here anyway?"  

 

"Nothing," they both replied at once, with Maximus continuing, "Why do you

ask?"  

 

"This...this is not...right...not normal."  He narrowed his eyes, moving his gaze back and forth between the two characters he knew so well, or thought he knew so well, anyway.  

 

Sid and Maximus looked at eachother.  Both shrugged.  "Seems perfectly normal to me," Sid said.  "Does it seem normal to you, Maximus?"  

 

"Seems normal to me," Maximus agreed.  

 

Himself stood, glaring now.  "Well, it's NOT normal and both of you know it!"  

 

Maximus stood then, too, his face creasing in a broad grin.  "The definition of normal," he said, crossing the room to stand beside Sid, "is often misinterpreted." He turned to Sid, clapping his shoulder as one comrade does another.  "Right, Sid?"  

 

Joimus joined them, placing herself between the two, taking them both by the arm.  "Don't we have places to go, people to haunt?" she asked.

 

"Indeed," the General said.  Arms still linked in arms, the strange trio left the caravan.  

 

Himself stood there in the doorway watching them go. "I need Phyllis," he said to himself, er, Himself.  Then adding, "And a beer...or three." He shook his head, trying to clear the mental image of Dorothy with the Scarecrow and Tinman.  Just then, the timing almost too perfect, Joimus did a little hop-skippy-jump, the sight of which made Himself shudder slightly. "Ack!" he said epi-ishly.
          

                                  
Part-way across the Caravan Park, Sid turned and walked alone to Bunny's caravan whilst the dynamically undead duo contined on toward Rose's.  Sid did not knock.  He still had his key in his pocket, so quietly unlocked the door and went inside.  Bunny was sound asleep on the bed and he could tell from the ankle-deep layer of tissues coating the floor that she had missed him.  Sitting on the side of the bed, he lifted her hand and began to kiss his way up her arm.  So exhausted was she from the depth of her grief, that he had made it all the way to her elbow before her eyes fluttered open.  After two or three blinks, they opened as wide as it is possible for eyes to open and yet not fall into one's lap.

 

 

"Don't faint," Sid said.  "My women never faint." 

       

Her mind was racing. If fainting were not allowed, perhaps a bit of hyperventilation might be permitted?  "Sid?" she said, barely able to croak. "Maximus?"

"Right the first time," he replied, continuing then with his armish activity. When he licked her neck she knew for sure it was Sid.

 

Springing to her knees on the bed, she grabbed his shoulders. "SID!" she cried. "It's you? It's really you? You are back in you and you are not...?"  

 

"Dead?" he supplied.  

 

She nodded vigorously, her eyes scanning every part of his face. "I thought I'd killed you!" she said.  

 

"You may have," he agreed, "but I forgive you...this time."

 

"But...but...but...," she stammered.  

 

"Yes," he agreed again, "I do have the best butt. Wanna see?"  She
did.  That was the sort of Bunny she was.

Maximus tapped lightly on Rose's door, looking down at Joimus as he did. "This could be...awkward...to explain," he said.  

 

A voice replied to the knock, softly so as not to wake the sleeping Captain, "Who's there?"  It was, after all, the middle of the night.  

 

The two outside the door looked at each other, not knowing which of them should reply, knowing that either reply would be...too much.  Maximus Aussiefied his voice a bit,  "It's me."  

 

Joimus nodded appreciatively.  "That was good.  I didn't know you did such a good Himself."  

 

"Come in, Russell," Rose replied, not yet always able to stick to the whole 'Himself' thingie all the time.

"Are you sitting down?" AussieMax asked before opening the door.

 

"Um...yes," Rose said. "Try to be quiet, please.  The Captain is asleep."

 

Maximus looked at Joimus.  "Are you ready?"

 

"I'm ready," she smiled.  "The question is are THEY ready?"

 

Maximus looked concerned.  "Jack may well be able to handle it, having only recently been a Jack Rabbit in a Fed Ex box, but Rose is so new to epis."

(See: A New Jeopardy)

 

"Try this," Joimus suggested, whispering in his ear.  

 

"Good idea," he agreed.  Then becoming AussieMax again, he said, "Rose, before we...I...come in I want to say something."  

 

Rose was getting not only curious but a bit perturbed that all this extra- caravanish conversation was happening whist her Captain slept.  Then she gasped slightly.  She had used the word "her", now hadn't she?  Indeed, the presence of such a continuously high angst-level in the epis of late had had the result of fast-forwarding their closeness considerably. "Ye..es?" she replied.  

 

"Rose, you have seen Hi...er...me film before, right?"  

 

"Yes."  

 

"And you know how I bring my characters to life, right?"  She heard a male throat clearing itself.  "Well...I just want you to be prepared that I've...I've...um...done that again tonight."  

 

She had NO idea what in the world the man was blithering about. Then the door opened and the Commander of the Armies of the North stood there, looking a bit sheepish for such a lion of a man.  She said nothing. She merely looked.  

Then Joimus stepped in beside him.

                                 

"So," Rose said finally, "it is true."  

 

"What, Rose?" Joimus asked.  

 

"The things Aubrey has told to me of life...of epi life."  

 

Joimus nodded.  "Yes, Rose.  It is true."  

 

Maximus looked at Joimus.  "She's handling this better than I expected."  

 

"Jack has told me of her great inner calmness and strength," Joimus supplied.  

 

This was the first time the General had seen this Rose and he looked at her, his eyes appraising her.  "You are French?" he asked, finding a bit of irony in the Captain's new love interest.  

 

"Completely," she replied, lifting her chin a bit.

Joimus nudged the General.  "Look how peaceful Jack looks," she commented.

                                      

At that moment the sounds of the conversation around him finally woke the Captain.  Opening his eyes, he turned and looked, wondering who might be talking to his Rose.  He jerked, turning so rapidly that he rolled off Rose's lap and plopped heavily onto the floor.  Maximus squatted quickly beside him, gripping Jack's arm firmly so that he might know his reality.  

Matching seagreens stared into one another's depths and the Captain saw his true friend looking back at him.  His face worked, its muscles one moment entirely shocked, the next overjoyed, the next almost in tears.  

 

Maximus smiled, took Jack's free hand and lay it on his chest, near
the embossed wolf's head.  "It's me, Jack," he said.  

 

Jack gasped in a deep breath.  "I...I...had lost hope...this time," he whispered.  "It...it was not like...before."  

 

"I know," Maximus said, "I know." 

                                  

"H...how?" he asked.  

 

"Himself," Maximus explained.  "He put on this uniform and he brought me to life again."  

 

"He can do that?" Jack said wonderingly.  

"Nice to know, is it not?" Maximus chuckled.  "Gives one a sense of security, eh?"  

 

"Sid?" Jack asked.  

 

"Sid, too," Maximus nodded.  

 

Then Joimus knelt beside Maximus, curving her arm around his neck. Jack simply looked at her a long moment, then a tear tracked down his cheek. "Thank God!" he whispered.  

 

"I'll explain later," she said, looking at him fondly. "But now let's get you up off the floor, shall we?"

Himself had polished off his fifth beer as he told Phyllis of what he had done and how the strange woman had come with her keyboard.   "You are not surprised," he asked, "about the woman, I mean?"  

 

"Not really," she smiled.  "We e-mail."
                                 

He sighed.  Epiwomen were possibly more enigmatic than he had realized.  "I need to let the others know," he said.

 
"Tomorrow is another day," she remarked Windishly.  

 

"It IS tomorrow," he pointed out.

"Truly,"she agreed, "but not yet morning.  Let them sleep.  They will probably need a good night's rest to deal with what comes next.

 

"WHAT comes next?" he cried.  

 

"How should I know," she said.  

 

"You e-mail!" he exclaimed.  

 

She smiled.  "Even she does not know what comes next."

 

"Not even her? If she doesn't, who does?"  

 

"Nobody," she said, looking at him a bit oddly.  

 

"Nobody?"  

 

"Nope, not a single soul."  

 

His beer bottle slipped through his fingers at the thought of it, clanking glassily onto the floor.  "I find that...somehow...frightening," he remarked seriously.  

 

"You should," she agreed, adding, "We...none of us...thought she would actually kill a cast member."

 

"How can anyone ever truly feel...safe...ever again?" he wondered.

"They can't," she affirmed, "which was probably the point of it all."

 

"She is cruel then?"
                                  

Phyllis shrugged, "She lives in Pennsylvania. It is winter.What can one expect?"

"But...but...DEATH?" he gasped.  

 

She shrugged again.  "There are no heating ducts in the kitchen nor in the bathroom."

                             

"Ah, well," he sighed, "then that explains it."