AN ELDEREPI
By annsmac, Bert, Jo, Deb
Jo proceeded with her dastardly disconnection, leading to some speculation amongst the
others that perhaps she were some kin of the Boxkeeper's. There was something all too
similar
in the warpedly
twisted
tangles
of their brain tissue. Hmmmmm?)
"One for Russ, and Russ for all!" and dozens of swordtips clanked together. "
Oh, no," moaned Bert, "Jo's gonna buckle some swash again!"
Michele just giggled, "Oooooo....poofie/puffy
shirts!"
Jo, who had been a boot-person
ever since
Turkish train in rusty suede, was admiring the tall, floppy- topped boots everyone was
wearing. Ah, she was in boot
heaven!
Annsmac roughly shook her out of her reverie with her shouts of, "The Queen! They've
taken the Queen!" RichieSid, the evil hyacinth macaw (he refused to wear red, so, therefore could not be a cardinal, obviously) who dominated King Jeffrey the 15th, had stolen away
good Queen Wandrina, intending to send her to the far, far land of Mississippius and force
her to tend a large herd of mowing cattle. It
was a plot so unthinkably foul
that
the blood of all true Russketeers ran hotly
through their veins.
The Thos twins, Max and
Terr, sprang to their saddles, with
Cortamis and Zacktagnon
right behind. Cortamis was secretly the head of
the Redemptionites, but that did not stop
Michele from loving him.
Everyone had their secrets ( as we will soon
discover!). Zacktagnon, beloved of
Bertimus the Bold, was the love-child of Grizzly
Adams and Madame Godiva...but
Bertimus loved him in
spite of his hairy....er... condition. Terrthos had pledged in his youth never to eat another ripe olive until he had solved the mystery of the man in the camouflaged mask. And, neither day
nor night, was he separated from the equipment he would need to open that mask, once
found. And, neither day nor night was he separated from Annsmac, faithful equipment-
tender extraordinaire! Maxthos had the strangest secret of all. As a wee babe he had been
taken from his cradle and sold to Mongolian yurt weavers who had trained him in the mysterious arts of Summerian Saber Slashing and pearl diving. It had been on one of those
deep sea pearl dives that he had,
at last, managed to escape his captors by cleverly disguising himself as
seaweed. He had swum to
family and, now, only Terr remained of those who knew that Max was not really a Thos.
Who WAS he really? Did blood as blue as his tunic course through his veins...or was he
simply the stallmuckers son?
We shall find out....but not yet...not yet. Lord Bud de Ville's chateau lay
just ahead. If RichieSid's men had not gotten
there before the Russketeers, they would....
Part 2: Deb
However, the group had to halt as they heard an anguished cry amongst them. "I think Terrthos' has adjusted his...err equipment too well this time," Max said to Jo.
"That didn't come from
Terrthos," Deb said shaking her head " it sounds
more like..."
Cortamis stood amongst the group with a cherry red face to match his red Cardinal's
gear. "Aaaaaaah!" he cried as yet again with a sympathetic Michele tending to his side.
"Nice outfit," snickered Colin de
Gisbourne. Deb gave Colin a nudge.
"Well, it's still....still...hmmm...dusty at least," Terrthos said trying his best to cheer up
Cortamis. Above them sitting on a tree branch laughing away was the Boxkeeper.
Cortamis on the other hand was looking for a big enough bush to hide him and all of his
dust behind. "Maybe when we reach Bud de Ville's chateau, there will be something a
little more...you, dear," Michele said.
Upon reaching Bud de Ville's Chateau, Bert stepped up to the door and opened it with
ease. She gasped at the sight of the mess which meant that RichieSid's men had arrived
before they had. It appeared as if the place was turned upside down. "Shh...I think
someone's still here, " Bert advised in a low voice. The Russketeers clung to their men as
they slowly entered the chateau. Michele and Cortamis looked around and saw that
another door was slightly ajar, so carefully they opened
it to
find....
Part 3: annsmac
… Lord Lachingham, his white scarf twittering gaily behind him even as his face was cast
in melancholy. In his hands, he carried the note from Queen Wandrina. It asked him to rendezvous at Bud de Ville's villa. Er. Castle. Er. Estate. Er. Whatever. Oh, wait. His
chateau. That's right; we're in
"What's an English nobleman doing
in
"What's a Spaniard doing playing a Frenchie?" replied Lord Lachingham.
annsmac leaned into Terrthos, whispering to him, "What? Why on earth would anyone try
to make sense out of a spoof? I say we kill him and move along."
"My love, bloodthirsty women are a turn on, but I think the plot actually demands that we protect him lest evil Cardinal RichieSid destroys Queen Wandrina."
"Oh,
"I've always been plot-driven, you know that."
Jo and annsmac traded knowing glances. "Okay, sweetie. That's right. I just forgot for a
minute there," annsmac said, patting Terrthos' arm.
Zacktagnon stepped toward Lord Lachingham and raised a sword quickly to the royal
man's throat. "What do you know about Queen Wandrina being kidnapped by Cardinal RichieSid's men?"
At Zacktagnon's words, Lord Lachingham fainted dead away.
"Young Zacktagnon, you are still a novice Russketeer. Never ask a suspect a question that
will cause him to faint. It's boring," Maxthos told the hirsute one. "It pays to know your
target audience.
Our target audience is driven by estrogen. And every member of the estrogen
brigade loves nothing more than the sight of a swashbuckling hero involved
in a sword fight. Far better it would have been to have smacked the English
pup with the broadside of your weapon."
"He's right," Jo said. "Then we could have seen the muscles of your arm ripple and we could have seen your strong calves peeking over your boots and we…"
"My love. You prove my point but at the expense of my peace of mind," Maxthos told his Exalted Russketeer Jo. "Don't tell me I shall have to put blinders on you for the rest of this story?"
annsmac leaned into Terrthos. "Time for a swordfight," she whispered, smiling into his face
as he grinned playfully.
The Russketeers loved sword play. However, as the characters had learned aboard Captain Jack's tall ship, the CroweWomen were loath to parry their thrusts. Therefore, they only parried with each other. Soon the hall rang out with the clanks of swords meeting swords.
The women sat around the edges of the big room and drank in their fill. They were satisfied
with the boots scraping and dodging along the floor as the characters advanced and
retreated. They liked the sight of sweat glistening along the brow of characters practicing
their maneuvers. They enjoyed watching the play of well-muscled arms moving swords in powerful thrusts.
But they were each enraptured by certain… ahem… personal attributes. Cortimus' dust-
storm; Maxthos' black, stretchy bike shorts; Zacktagnon's bearded jaw; Handoth's swinging tattoos (what? You thought I'd cite some other swinging attribute of Handoth? Shame. )
Colin de Gisbourne's button-down pantaloons. But they saved a special place in their
hearts… and minds… for Terry's equipment.
Yee Haw! The 500th written reference to Terry's equipment! A moment of silence out of respect…
Okay. Back to the story.
Unfortunately, the CroweWomen were distracted by this magnificent display of sword skills
to notice that…
Part 4: Jo
RichieSid's troops had surrounded the chateau,
swords drawn, blocking all escape. Howsomever,
our intrepid Russketeers were not interested in
escape! They had just
finished their warm-up and were ready for the real thing! Unfortunately, there was no
Coke anywhere in Bud's chateau. Making do with several vats of ale, they turned to face
their massed foe. Fie on the foe who fought for fee and not truth, justice and the Gascon
way! Fee fie foe.... fum!! Did they smell the blood of the Englishman... Lord Lachingham?
After all, he HAD cut himself above his right eyebrow when he had fainted at Zacktagnon's threat.
What was that? It was RichieSid himself bellowing something toward the chateau. What did
he want? Lord Lachingham? Ah, he must know that Lachingham was Queen Wandrina's
secret lover! But had he blabbed to King Jeffrey? Lieutenant Andydre spoke up bravely in
spite of his youth. "Never!" he shouted out an open casement. "Lord Lachingham is under
the protection of the Russketeers!"
RichieSid half lowered his lids. He had a better plan than a frontal attack on Bud de Ville's
well-fortified chateau. Smiling a cruel and satisfied smile, he and
his men rode back to
totally ruthless. Her only weakness was a strange fear of fields and a tendency to break bones
on bicycle trips. She swept haughtily into RichieSid's chambers, looking strikingly like a
cross between Lana Turner, Faye Dunaway
and Rebecca De Mornay.
RichieSid carefully laid out his dastardly plan before her. He laid out other things before
her, too...strange and wonderful things that can only be spoken of in private. And then he
got dressed again. Lady D'Andrea smiled. The plan was evil. The plan was low. The plan
was disgusting. She loved it! And, best of all, she could have her revenge on Suestance, wife
of Monsieur Egancieux, lover of
Zacktagnon (Oh, no...Bertimus
was not supposed to KNOW that!!! Sorry!), and a June Allyson look-alike.
Lady D'Andrea had been forced for some years to listen to Suestance's musical choices and
was more than ready for substantial Suestancial revenge! The plot was thickening. Probably
too much cornstarch. Or was it flour? Anyway, Lady D'Andrea left RichieSid's chambers,
a spring in her step, a lilt of evil laughter in her heart. (Suestance was just so glad NOT to be
the villain of the piece. She was getting to be
pure, if not virginal, and not in the least vile.)
Meanwhile, back at Lord Bud de Ville's chateau, the Russketeers had gathered in the great
hall. They needed a plan to discover where RichieSid had secreted the Queen. Lord
Lachingham was beside himself with worry. Maxthos made him get back inside himself. Two Lord Lachingham's were too much in a room where all the males looked so strikingly alike already. Handoth volunteered to sneak inside RichieSid's palace to see if he might gather
some clues.
Captain Eastpardieu grinned and said he would see if the Queen were in the barn. As he disappeared out the kitchen door, that unknown CroweWoman who always shadowed him, followed close behind.
"Hay!" she called out.
"You got that right!" he
answered, expectantly.
Handoth rode through the night toward RichieSid's palace. "Damn Lord Lachingham,"
he thought to himself, "the Queen will be MINE!"
Ah, more cornstarch!
And, then......
Part 5: Deb
Meanwhile back at the chateau, Bertimus had found some elixir for curing Colinitis which
Deb happily refused. Deb wondered if there was a way of prolonging this illness which
couldn't have been an illness as she was in bliss. Cortimus and Michele explored the whole
of the chateau looking for something to replace the cardinal's outfit that caused so much distress. Annsmac thought they were taking an awfully long time in doing so and went to go
look for them when Terrthos distracted her with his....well, you know what. Lt. Andydre searched frantically for dishes that needed cleaning.
"Poor guy. He really needs a lady," Colin de Gisbourne said sympathetically then grinned
at Deb.
"Hey! No wandering off into empty rooms. We've got to push off VERY soon," Jo said.
The rest of the party let out a huge "aawwwwwww". And off they went when they came
across a sight so horrible that made Zacktagnon faint this time. "What on earth is THAT?"
Bert asked. As they closed in on to inspect the spectacle.......
Russketeers
6 by Penny
...there stood a cow. She had a sword in her hoof as if to run herself
thru, and a note in her mouth. Jo grabbed the
note. It read: "This cow is my emissary. Queen
Wandrina is being
held in
where she is kept.
We are plotting her rescue but could sure use some help, ya'll." It was
signed...Lord Biebe.
"Ya'll?" Handoth exclaimed. "What does THAT
mean?"
"Well,
Handoth,
The cow twitched.
Maxthos picked the unconscious Zacktagnon up, slung him over his broad strong shoulder,
and said in his rumbling General of the
Armies of the North voice, "To
Calais!!" shouted all the characters as they rushed out to find......
Part 7:annsmac
they rushed out to find...
...that the only way they could get to
damned British coast. "Oh. THAT
in
south
let Michele order the trip
tiks from AAA," annsmac
told Jo.
"Hey, it wasn't my idea to let her navigate on this trip," Jo said.
"No wonder Cortimus seems to get lost so often when they wander around this castle..er...
um... chateau," annsmac replied.
"Okay, so we're going to
Arc asked annsmac and Jo. "Do you think they've seen this year's line fro the spring shows
in
Maximus cleared his throat. His General of the Armies of the North throat-clearing was almost... almost...as magnificent as his General of the Armies of the North voice. "What
was done in the spring shows of
have not yet reached
Jo and Deb of Arc let out deep sighs of relief. annsmac went in search of Terrthos. She
found him out in the courtyard with Handoth. They were saddling 3 horses. "What's up?"
she asked as she approached.
Handoth looked down at himself, but before he could say anything, Terrthos said, "Handoth wants to be the one to rescue Queen Wandrina. He claims a special relationship with the Queen."
"What's with the 3 horses?" annsmac asked.
"Well, luv, I thought you might want to go along for the adventure. If we wait on the others.. well... we'll be waiting on the others. Lord Biebe's bovine emissary told Handoth where to
find the Queen's captive quarters, " Terrthos said. This sounded like a great adventure to annsmac. She got to ride with her Terrthos and his equipment. But she also got to have
Handoth by her side during the only adventure the CroweWomen had ever done in which neither Sue nor Andrea were ever going to be touching him since Grand Authoress Jo had
made them integral to plot elements not having a twittle to do with the great tattooed one.
For Lady D'Andrea was even then serving evil RichieSid as his dastardly agent of
destruction and Suestance had her hands full as the virtuous wife of Monsieur Egancieux
and lover of Zacktagnon. Why, when Bertimus found out, Suestance was as good as gone.
And...as soon as Maxthos got his hands on Lady D'Andrea and her bike....
"Terrthos? Is it of any consequence that Lady D'Andrea's favorite means of transportation
is a bike and Maxthos loves wearing bike shorts?"
Terrthos took in a startled breath and placed an arm on annsmac. "Luv, never....never...
ever... promise me? Promise that you'll never tell Jo? Because Maxthos, as you know from
the first chapter, has a deep, dark secret involving his heritage."
"Terrthos, my love, of course I can keep a confidence," annsmac said. "But what has
Maxthos' bike shorts got to do with his heritage?"
"Well, the affinity for things of bikes is a family trait," Terrthos said.
"Oh, my gosh! You don't mean? Maxthos and Lady D'Andrea? They're related?" annsmac
said, her heart beating fast as what this would mean to the already-cornstarch-thickened
plot.
"It's worse than that, I fear," Terrthos said, shaking his head sadly. And thus begins the
side plot of Maxthos and his mysterious heritage. It is a little tale I like to call "The Tale
of Maxthos and His Mysterious Heritage." And here to tell that tale is...
Part 8 (the
plot thickens to a rich roux): Bert
Bertimus the Bold
something is rotten in
the state of
Bertimus the Wise, being fickle at times and subject to succumb to the charms of any number
of characters, has been keeping her eyes and her wily ways carefully focused on the Thos brothers since the start of this tricky tale. She has now discovered a truth far more pertinent than the sordid affairs of state previously mentioned by other tail-tellers or taletellers, as
you like!
Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful has come to the profound conclusion of all conclusions, but before we reveal that profundity, we must tell you a few of the clues that
have led her to this revelation!
First of all, Terrthos' previously mentioned...equipment is somehow not quite the same as it
has previously been. Bertimus knows this as she pays close attention to these things -- being
a well-rounded woman of the world and....well, let's leave it at that for now.....
Second of all, Maxthos has not been playing with his nuts (his walnut half shells he uses for strategy planning) in days now -- something that he typically does often during the daily
course of events. In addition, dear Maxthos' booming General of the Armies of the North
has not sounded quite the same recently! Why he even had to cough and clear his throat
during the last episode!
Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful and All-knowing has also seen things that others
have failed to observe -- those things which have prevented her from paying close attention
to her Zacktagnon and allowing him to make hay with Suestance. Those things which have prevented her from reclaiming the Fair and Good Bud de Ville from the Lady Audrey.
Bertimus has seen The Man in the Camo Mask and knows that HE is the true Maxthos and
the Maxthos who is now with the Peeps and Characters is an impostor! The true Maxthos
was imprisoned by certain vile (no, not Sue the Formerly Vile) persons when it was discovered that he was Aegis Maxthos, the one true Commander of the Armies of the North and General
of the Felix Legion!
Only Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful and All-knowing and Lusty knows the
location of Aegis Maxthos and she has made it her business to unleash him (she might even unleash hell while she's at it!). But first, she must secret herself and work unceasingly to
devise a foolproof plan to recapture Maxthos in the likely event that she comes upon any
fools during her masterful maneuvering! And she must discover who Terrthos truly is and
what dastardly part he may play in this thickening pot of gumbo!
Before we return you to this twisted, tricky, tongue-tying tale, a warning to all good CroweWomen! Not a word of this to the Boxkeeper or the Grand Authoress Jo or any
other being or creature! If this information is prematurely discovered by the wrong persons,
it could be the guillotine for Aegis Maxthos and Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful
and All-knowing and Lusty and Sneaky and Scheming.....
So - back to
Part
9 : Jo
And thus begins the side plot of Maxthos and his mysterious heritage. It is a little tale I like
to call "The Tale of Maxthos
and His Mysterious Heritage." And here to tell that tale is…
**********
(Well, having just written this as #8 and feeling a sudden urge to check
posts before hitting send...I found Bertimus had
beaten me to #8...making this #9....and totally warping my
Maxie plot...thanks, keed...BUT I am gonna post it anyway and then tomorrow we can
worry about how it all fits or if it all fits or whatever...as I gotta go to bed now...sigh. This is
what happens when you take BertiBabe's Zacktagnon and make him Sue the formerly
Vile's secret lover....she goes and clones YOUR guy!)
And I had written......
Who...me? Heck, I had Handoth on his way to RichieSid's palace to spy when I was thrown
a loop or two or seven or more. Can I do THAT one first....huh...huh? I have promises to keep
to
Englishwomen. ANYWAY....(can this be a prequel to
the
Handoth, disguised as a pair of shredded curtains, made his way past the sleeping guards
and into RichieSid's palace. He ducked into a room on the upper floor just as Lady
D'Andrea was about to begin her evening bathing ritual. As he watched her disrobe, he felt rather....um...overheated, and noticing a wooden bucket filled with fresh milk, lifted it and
wiped it back and forth across his forehead before taking a long drink. It was then that Lady D'Andrea noticed she had a visitor.
In spite of his striking resemblance to a pair of shredded curtains, she found him irresistibly attractive. He stood there in the golden glow of the candlelight, milk slowly dribbling down
his chin...down his chest...toward his nether regions. She could not help herself. Half-running across the few steps that separated them, she sank her fingernails into his shoulders and
licked the milk dribbles from his chest. If there were anything Handoth loved, it was a good fingernail sinking milk licking. Without taking his tiger-like eyes from her, he slowly dumped the bucket of milk into her empty tub. Instantly a small broom with two arms marched in the door with another bucket of milk...and then another...and another...until the large marble tub was full. Lady D'Andrea scattered some rose petals atop the milk and the two of them settled into the tub for some good....conversation.
It was during this time of
witty repartee that Lady D'Andrea spilled the
beans about Maxthos ....and to
Handoth, of
well, except for the hair color and the accent and a couple of other minor details?
Lady D'Andrea asked, "Have you ever seen Terrthos in black bicycle shorts...and have you
ever seen
Maxthos without them?"
Handoth growled that he didn't notice such things about guys and what did that have to do
with anything anyway?
Milady just smiled a far away smile as she thought back...back...back to the days of Yore.
Yore had been her maiden name. Andrea Yore. She shuddered, remembering. The Yore's
had been poor and she had slept on the floor which made her sore as she listened to Papa
Yore snore till she could stand it no more and had run out the door and earned her living
as a wh___. Ah, HA! You jumped to conclusions, didn't you! Didn't you? She earned her
living as a whortleberry
husker. This had the unpleasant side effect of turning her fingertips bright
blue and always making her look as though she were cold.
One day, when she was not more than 17, as she stood there in five feet of snow husking whortleberry after whortleberry, a young chevalier had ridden by. Taken by her great
beauty, he stopped and stared at her for a long while. "Are you cold?" he asked her softly.
"C...c...cold? Just because I am standing here barefoot, wearing a gauze dress with deep
side slits and spaghetti straps in five feet of snow while I husk a blue bajillion frozen whortleberries....whyever would you ask THAT?"
"Your fingertips have a bluish cast to them," he replied.
She looked sadly down at her bright blue fingers and whispered hoarsely, "If only my
blood were as blue as my fingers...I'd....I'd...." She stopped when the young chevalier nearly
fell off his bicycle at the mention of blood that was blue. She could see the muscles working
in his fine jaw and his nostrils flared with some great emotion. Was this some strange Blue's Clue?
He closed his eyes tightly, shook his head as though to throw off some memory, then held out
a hand to her, saying, "Come," in such a magnificently deep voice that refusal was
unthinkable. She snuggled deeply into his arms as he wrapped his long rusty- colored
wolf-fur-trimmed cape about her lovely form. They rode like this together for day after
day...a veritable Tour de France it was. She vowed that she would never again...never ...ever...again...husk another whortleberry...no... nor any of her kin.
They were married that spring
atop the walls of
floated through the air and baby robins hatched on nearby limbs. Robins...limbs...why did
he feel that held some future portent for him? He would think of that later...but not yet...
not yet.
They had lived happily together
for a good three and a half hours before she had betrayed
him with the mayor's stepson, Arthuronne de
Baptiste. Andrea had never in her life been able
to resist hot cross buns and Arthuronne's buns were not only hot, but had large X's....gotten,
he said, on an excursion to
a Welsh beach.
Maxthos, after barehandedly tearing down the walls on the east and south sides of the city
and 7 or 8 towers and leaving Arthuronne alive but bearing quite a few more X's about his person, rode off across a wheat field on his bike, leaving Andrea with no one but the Count
of Monte
Alexto to comfort
her. And comfort her he did....making her Lady D'Andrea
and plying her with diamonds and peanut butter.
Still, she regretted that she had never gotten Maxthos
to tell her the full story of his heritage. That will come another day.
Meanwhile, back in the present
which is really the past for us but the present for them, the
Russketeers were headed toward
having gotten more information than expected, had rejoined them, determined to be the first
to reach the Queen's side. He grinned wickedly at Maxthos as they raced through the night toward the coast.
Maxthos was still married to Lady
D'Andrea.
"Just give me a moment alone with Jo," he thought," and the Big Guy wouldn't be doing
that General of the Armies of the North stuff in such a superior way
any longer."
Jo, blissfully unaware of Handoth's evil plotting, watched the moonlight shine on the brow
and cheekbones of her beloved as he rode at her side. She knew he would save the Queen.
Suddenly, just as the moon disappeared behind a cloud, a shot rang out.....
Part 10: Jo
and Maxthos crashed
heavily to the ground. Instantly Jo was beside him, cradling his head
in her lap. Terrthos leapt from his horse and crouched beside the two of them, taking
Maxthos' hand in his own. Maxthos was trying to say something but Terrthos whispered hoarsely, "No...don't talk!" In spite of her great anguish of heart, Jo looked at Terrthos curiously. There had been...something...in the way he had said that... something that
indicated a deeper meaning.
Maxthos' breathing was becoming shallower and shallower. "I...must...tell...her..." he
gasped out, gripping Terrthos' hand with all his remaining strength. Terrthos' eyes had a
wild, haunted look in the moonlight. His lips were pressed tightly together, his equipment
limp on the dew-laden grass, unattended in this moment of great crisis. "Do....it, Terrthos
....do it....for ...me....for... her," Maxthos begged.
Terrthos heaved a great sigh and with one smooth motion, pulled the latex mask up and off
the face
of the man lying beside the road to
visage under the perfect mask. This was NOT Maxthos....this was Jay Leno!!! Jay's eyes closed...he was, at last, at peace.
Tears stinging his eyes, Terrthos recounted a sad tale as all the Russketeers gathered about
in silent clusters. "He was my brother," he said simply, "but all his life he secretly wanted
to be Maxthos the Magnificent and, so, he had a young Scottish armorer fashion him this
mask out of new, light-weight material she had discovered on the tourney circuit. He has
worn it the last 15 years...fooling everyone but me into believing he was the true Maxthos.
Even Lady
D'Andrea believed him to be
Maxthos when they married atop the walls of
Jo was stunned. "Maxthos... married to Lady D'Andrea....?" she mumbled.
"No," Terrthos rejoined... "Lady D'Andrea is the widow of Jay Leno...not the true General
of the Armies of the North."
"But....but...HOW did this happen? WHY did this happen?" Jo entreated desperately, trying
to understand.
"It is all the doings of Bertimus the Wise. It is entirely HER fault that you, poor, sweet Jo
are having to deal with this twisted situation."
"But..." Jo continued, "WHY would she cause so much havoc?"
Terrthos looked up at Zacktagnon. "Him...he is the reason why Bertimus perpetrated this
crime which has caused you to bump off poor Leno, all the while believing him to have been
your true
love."
Jo looked over at Zacktagnon, standing furrily there in the night. "What could he have
done that would generate such horrible ire in the heart of one who is called The Wise?"
Terrthos' eyes hardened into steel. "He became the secret lover of Suestance, wife of
Monsieur Egancieux. He corrupted her morals and left her virtue shredded across half the
flax fields of
long
hours making mad passionate love with her in every rose garden in Paris."
"Why, then," Jo asked logically, "does this Bertimus person even want him?"
Terrthos grinned, "She no longer does. He was the fancy of her earlier chapters, but now
that she has become Bertimus the Wise, she has rekindled her passion for Lord Bud the Wiser...wishing, no doubt, to merge their wisdom."
"But, "Jo asked, "is not Lord Bud the Wiser engaged to Lady Audrey Librarianna?"
"He is,
indeed," Terrthos replied, "but such as
Bertimus do not let minor details like that
distract them from their avowed purposes."
Jo turned to look at the prostrate form on the damp grass. My, he had certainly looked
like Maxthos. She gasped. Where was the true
Maxthos? What had happened to him? She grabbed
Terrthos
by his ruffly collar, "Where is my
Maxthos? Where?" she
shouted.
Sadness spread itself over Terrthos' face. "Alas, my dear, no one knows for sure. He was
taken captive and his face sealed into a camo mask so that no one might recognize him."
Jo was torn. Should she continue with the rescue of good Queen Wandrina or go in search
of the Man in the Camo
Mask? They were but a few leagues from
not take long to free the Queen from her imprisonment and then she would be free to go on
the quest her heart was pulling her toward. She stood and declared to the assembled Russketeers. "Our duty is to our country and our Queen! Mount up and let us be quickly
off to
As they
continued their ride over the darkened hills of northern
them, RichieSid and his troops maintained a parallel course. It was RichieSid's own bullet
that had taken down Leno. He, too, had thought he was ridding himself of the fearsome
General of the Armies of the North. But, no, it had been a stand-up comic who had taken
he fall. Blast! He knew Sir David of
Lettermanor would be chortling at this foul development.
Ah...just up ahead loomed the giant cliff with the ancient convent at its highest point.
Mother Amandaifornia had no idea of the true identity of the lady who was locked in the
tower room. And so...
Part 11: Bert
all the CroweWomen and Characters rode on toward the convent....
All except Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful and All-Knowing and Lusty and
Sneaky and Scheming an...oh to heck with it - you catch my drift!
Bertimus in all her Brilliance (note to self - add Brilliant to list) knows that now that Jay's
true identity has been revealed, it will only be a matter of time before Joimus comes to her senses and rides back to ??? to save the One True Maxthos! As soon as the others are busily rushing to save Queen Wandrina who has been captured and tortured with incessant mowing cows and...er, riding Sir John Deere at least weekly, Bertimus takes off in the opposite
direction with the speed of light!
Bertimus the Everything Above and More rides like the wind through the snow and the
desert and the mountains and the plains making great haste despite the severe wound on
her left shoulder from one of RichieSid's stray bullets! (It's like deja vu all over again!)
Bertimus knows she must free The Man in the Camo Mask before anyone else has a chance
to reach him! In that way, Maxthos will be forever indebted to Bertimus and Bertimus
alone!
Little do Grand Authoress Joimus and the other CroweWomen and Characters or even
the Boxkeeper him/herself know that the Fair and Good Bertimus the Everything Above
Plus is not concerned that Zacktagnon is mucking around with the Lady Suestance or that
Bud d' Wiser is enamored of Lady Audrey of Librarianna.
Bertimus' one true goal is to snag MaxieBaby for herself and escape with him back to Rome where they can make mad passionate.....er, do as the Romans do and be together forever or,
at the very least, for 60 Million Odd Hours in Italy! Bertimus the Etc. lives for the day when
she will watch Maxthos in his beautiful long coat with his beautiful hair and face and bod striding along with more purpose than any lesser mortal can fathom! Ah, but I digress....
Bertimus the Whatever rides and rides on and on while the other Peeps and Characters are
off winging their way to the nunnery to rescue the Queen. As they make their way through
the forest close by the convent, little do they know that RichieSid and his band of purple
gooey guys are hot on their trail! Just as they think they are home - or convent - free.....
Part 12: Deb
Something white and fluffy catches Zacktagnon's
eye. He dismounts from his horse to inspect
it closer when Cortimus and Terrthos quickly get off their horses, rush over and grab him by
the shoulders dragging him back. "What has gotten into both of you??" Zacktagnon asked angrily while shaking off Cortimus' dust and handing it back to him.
"If that's what I think it is, Zack, you'll want to keep a VERY safe distance," Colin de
Gisbourne said with caution heavy in his tone.
Giving him a strange look, Zacktagnon looks over at the white, fluffy rabbit nibbling
innocently on the grass in front of the convent. "I've seen this movie before. The first man
to approach that thing gets in the neck!" Deb of Arc tells all the other peeps in the company.
"Oh sure," Zacktagnon says with a great deal of carelessness in his voice and approaches
the rabbit with a smile. "Aren't you just the cutest thing?" he coos. Suddenly, without a
second thought, the rabbit happily brandishes two massive fangs and lunges at Zack giggling
in its wake.
"I told you so!!! And here we are minus a Holy Hand Grenade," Deb says. As Zacktagnon wrestles on the ground with his tiny, yet well advantaged foe, Colin and Cortimus grab onto
the rabbit firmly and with a few exhaustive yanks Zacktagnon free from his situation.
The Russketeers and their men huddle together realizing they have a genuine problem on
their hands. "Now what do we do? We can't get into the blasted convent with Mr. Nibbles
in the way," annsmac grumbles.
Terrthos' head pokes up from the circle as he hears voices in the distance. "That's not our
only problem," he says. "Are you sure that a Holy Hand Grenade is what we need?" Zack
asks Deb. Nodding, she tells the party that the only place where such a
thing would be found would be in
"Can't we take that thing on? It's so small," Cortimus says.
"With massive fangs? We'll not risk another frontal attack," Colin de Gisbourne informs Cortimus. While the discussion continues with more concern to the rabbit than to Richie-
Sid's fastly
approaching men they decide to.....
Part13 A Diversionary Tale:
annsmac
…do something. Whatever.
Anyhoo. I know,
in my heart, that you don't want to hear about
any silly rescue of Queen Wandrina at this particular moment. So, that will not be the tale
I tell you. Instead, I will divert the story and finish a side plot. Draw round and listen to a
little tale about Maxthos and his mysterious heritage. It is a little tale I like to call "The
Tale of Maxthos and His Mysterious Heritage."
It is a tale I had verily hoped wouldst have been told before anon. In fact, I believed I had
indeed set up Exalted Authoress Jo to tell this intriguing tale. But, alas and alack, she was
too busy servicing the fake Maxthos. (Tee hee. Got the word `servicing' in there, Lady D'Andrea, didn't I? Making up for lost opportunity, am I.)
Never the mind.
Twas a tale that begged to be told.
"Please, Terrthos."
"I want to. Honest. I really do. But… just take one look at my… equipment."
"Terrthos, I'm begging you. Please. These things happen. Just try again."
"Not to me, annsmac. Not to me. Never. It's never happened before. I swear."
annsmac looked down at Terrthos'… equipment. Obviously, he was never going to tell her
the tale of Maxthos until she could reassure him about his… equipment.
"It just needs attending to," she whispered to him in that husky voice he loved. She knew
just the polish to use to make that equipment glisten. "Terrthos? You know how I like being
of service to you. Am I not your faithful equipment-tender extraordinaire? Why don't you
leave your equipment in my hands and then you can just concentrate on the tale?"
At first, his voice belayed his concern for his equipment but soon, Terrthos was well into the
tale.
"Someday, I know I will be reunited with my brother Maxthos. I have the right equipment
to remove the camo mask and restore him to his rightful place on the throne. You see,
Maxthos may not be a blood kin to me, but our hearts share a destiny and we have faced
many things and have many enemies in common and…"
"Terrthos." annsmac sighed. "I know all about your equipment. Just tell me the tale. Please? I'm begging you."
"Right.
Well, then, as you know I was raised in
Thoth was the `Lord of the Secret Words' and, as such, our family has always revered those
who speak the secret words."
He paused. Cleared his throat, looked just a bit embarrassed but when annsmac showed
him how much better his equipment was looking under her attention, he continued. "It came
to pass that one day Max… well, the man you know as Maxthos washed up in a fishing net.
He was speaking words that the people of
brought him to my parents. My father could not understand the words Maxthos spoke and
so he concluded that Maxthos must be speaking the secret words. So he adopted him and
raised him as a son."
Terry laughed and his face reddened. "That's… ah… actually an embarrassing family
secret, annsmac, so please don't tell anyone. But it turns out that they weren't secret words.
No, Maxthos was simply speaking in the Mongolian tongue of the yurt traders who raised
him. We did not find out until many years later that he was the true heir to the throne of Ziemarche, which you know would have placed him in line before King Jeffrey the 15th."
"No!"
annsmac gasped. "Then, Maxthos is truly…
he's the long-lost Ziemarchian heir
Maximussell the 38th? But how did he come to end
up in the sea off
"Twas the Lady D'Andrea's mother. She stole Maxthos from his crib and sent him to
her cousin who sold Max to captivity among the Sect of the Yurt Weaver. It took Max
many years to finally escape from their clutches by disguising himself as seaweed and s
wimming away from their pearl diving boat."
"But why, Terrthos? Why would any woman do such a thing to a small baby?"
"Because…" Terrthos paused for dramatic effect. "Because, she was his mother, Queen Patilicious! She sent him away to save him from assassins sworn to kill the rightful heir."
"No! Wife of King Maximussell the 37th? You know, I always found that story about how
the dingo took her baby to be just a little hard to believe," annsmac said. "Wait. Then that means… Oh, my. That means Max is the brother of Lady D'Andrea, doesn't it?"
"I told you the affinity for bike things runs in the family, didn't I?"
"Terrthos? There's still something that I don't understand. Why is Max hiding behind a
camo mask?"
"Well, annsmac, I would think that would be obvious. My father, who by the way founded
the first Chamber of Commerce, knew that if anyone saw the famous birthmark that marks
the true Maximussell, then he would be killed."
"Your father founded the first Chamber of Commerce? C'mon, Terrthos. Really. How
gullible do you think I am?"
"He did." Terrthos pouted until annsmac stroked his equipment and told him she believed
him if he said it was so.
"Now, why does he have to wear a camo mask? I thought the birthmark was upon his right shoulder blades? That it was in the shape of a stalk of wheat?"
"Well, what most people don't know is that it is a very special mask. It extends from his head
to his waist. My father was very smart. He wanted to take no chances."
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