This is a work of fiction, loosely based on the very real person, Russell Crowe. No insult or invasion of his privacy is intended, but rather, it is a
way of expressing the author's delight in his work and his manliness.
 

This story is for readers over the age of 18 only, and contains adult language. The writer is not responsible for any "discomfort"
caused to the reader by this language and these situations.

©2001 by WILDBEARIES

This story is a stand-alone chapter of "Swept Away Bayou"

Ahhh, home in my own bed, at last

Florida, Indian Summer 2000

It's called the Spanish Veil.

You're either lifted up from the ground holding onto it, or you start at the top after stepping off a platform into mid-air, holding onto the long banner of cloth that is the Veil itself. It's like doing acrobatics on a cable or heavy rope, only the fabric floats more and you can wrap it around yourself and do a lot more spectacular tricks with it. You can roll up in it and let go, unrolling as you get nearer to the ground until it looks like you're going to crash, only you grab it at the last minute, stopping yourself just short of disaster. No doubt you've seen it done by the acrobats of Cirque du Soleil - they're real artists at it.

It's easy to get foolhardy in the learning process and think you know what you're doing, try something that's way beyond your physical limitations. It's not necessarily that you're not strong or athletic or limber, but sometimes muscles are overstressed, or you've not warmed up enough, you try something and suddenly realize you've fucked up.

I was learning to do tricks on the Veil for a film, working every day with experienced acrobats, doing weight training to keep my shoulders and arms strong, doing limbering exercises to be as supple as possible, and completely ignoring the signals my body was sending my brain. A jab of pain from my left shoulder was a signal that all was not well. I ignored it. A muscle cramp in my upper arm was another signal - I worked through it. I didn't tell the trainer that I had done something to the ligaments in both shoulders some months back and that I had just finished a film where I had spent several days hanging onto the struts of a flying helicopter, dangling in mid-air. I didn't tell him that, frankly, because I already hurt, and I was determined to beat the pain into submission and overcome it. Sometimes I can be bloody stupid.

That day, I warmed up, did a few loops and swoops, then I rolled up in the Veil and suddenly let go to fall dangerously fast toward the ground. I was out of control right away. I heard the trainer shouting at me to grab hold, and when I did, it was like a bolt of lightning through my shoulder straight down my whole body. I didn't hit the ground, but it felt like I'd hit a brick wall. Lowering myself down the last few feet to the ground was almost more than I could handle. I wasn't sure if I wanted to pass out, scream or vomit. I settled for standing, bent over like a pretzel, cussin' a blue streak.

"I told you not to try that!" the trainer yelled.

I muttered something, actually, I think I called him a bloomin' asshole, but it's kind of hazy.

"Let's have a look," he said.

"Uh-uh," I managed. "Hospital"

"What?"

He touched my shoulder and I recoiled, knocking him back. "Don't! Fucking! Touch! Me!" I barked. "Hospital, now!" I was beginning to think throwing up wasn't such a bad idea.

"It's probably just a cramp," the guy tried.

I straightened up enough to look him in the eye. He backed up a step. "Hospital," he agreed, and drove me there himself. I walked in under my own steam, cradling my left arm against me so as not to jostle it. I marched up to the admitting desk - okay, I practically crawled up to it, I was hurtin' so bad. "Help," I said.

The lady behind the desk looked me over. I was dirty, sweaty, wearin' a ripped tee shirt, old running shorts and jogging shoes. I looked either drunk, drugged or both. Oh, and she couldn't understand me because she'd probably never heard an Aussie accent before.

"What?" she asked. She was nice, though, she smiled when she asked.

I took a breath, got control of my tongue, stifled the urge to just spew out a lot of words she'd never understand, along with my breakfast, and repeated myself. "Help. I'm getting ready for a film and I've injured my shoulder."

"A film."

I nodded, "Yes. With the circus." That was a mistake.

She got this look on her face like sour pickles, and leaned towards me over the counter, "Sir, we can't treat you here. You have to go to the county hospital."

The trainer, who was taking all this in, started to say something, but I shot him a look, turned back to the lady and said in my sweetest, most cultivated, posh voice, "Ma'am, I think we have a lack of communication here. I'm not from here. I'm not a gypsy or whatever you think I am, and I'm not going to the county hospital. I want a doctor to look at my shoulder and I want him in the next five minutes or I am bloody well going to stand in the middle of this nice, clean waiting room and scream the place down."

She blinked. I smiled, looking as charming as possible under the circumstances, my arm feeling like it was just going to drop off onto the floor. I almost wished it would. It might've hurt less.

"Well," she said, "if you want to be that way - do you have insurance?"

"No."

"Money?"

"Twenty bucks American, two quarters and a dime," I answered, pretty sure of my facts.

She was looking negative again. Then I said the magic words, "American Express?" Instant change of attitude.

"Of course," she smiled warmly, obviously deciding that I wasn't a gypsy, a bum, a drunk, a druggie or other undesirable person. She slid a clipboard full of papers towards me, "Fill these out, then bring them back to me and I'll give you a number."

I handed the clipboard to Steve, the trainer. I leaned towards the lady. "You'll give me the number now," I said in a low voice.

"I'll give you the number now," she echoed, and gave me a number.

Steve, to his credit, filled out the papers and took them back to the desk. The lady called out my number a minute later. "Mr. Crowe," she whispered when I inched my way back there, "you're a foreign national."

"No bloody kidding," I snarled. "What of it?"

"I need to see some I.D."

I dug in my pockets. Luckily I had my wallet, and I flipped it open. "International Driving License," I pointed out to her. "American Express Card." (I was pleased it was a platinum one.) "Work permit. What else do you need?"

She examined the driver's license, squinting at my picture. "You don't have a beard in this picture, and your hair is short." She peered at me. "A film, you say?" She glanced at the work permit. It read, "Actor" in the occupation box. "Do I know your films?"

"Probably not," I allowed, wondering if she would give me an aspirin if I fell to my knees and begged.

"What are some of them?" She asked.

Was she fuckin' blind? Could she not see that I was in desperate straits? "L.A. Confidential," I tried. No recognition. "The Insider?" Still nothing. I sighed. I knew it was going to come to this. "Gladiator?"

She practically leaped over the counter, "YES!" she shouted. Everybody turned to look. She beamed at me. "Which one were you in that?"

I groaned. "General Maximus," I said, thinking the truth would work.

"No, you weren't," she informed me. "He's much bigger and darker. Which one were you, really?"

I noticed a youngish woman, maybe late twenties, sitting a few steps away, takin' in this whole farce. She looked about to burst, staring from me to the harpy behind the desk and back. I nodded to her. She held up a magazine. Bloody damn, my picture was on the cover. I rolled my eyes at her and she got up, came over to the desk, slapped the magazine down on the counter and said, "Ma'am, you see this guy on the cover?" She pointed to me in costume as Maximus.

"Yes," the woman said, studyin' the picture, then me, the picture, then me. "Who is that?"

The young woman, I think of her as my rescue angel, tapped the picture. "Are you blind? That's him, Russell Crowe, the star of the movie."

The lady stared at her, stared at me, stared at the picture and finally, reluctantly, nodded. "It could be him."

"It IS him, er, me," I insisted, "and lady? If you don't let me see a doctor pretty soon, we're all gonna be really sorry."

"Well, there's no need to get ugly," she huffed. She picked up a phone and talked into it for a minute. I heard "troublemaker" and "scene" and "security" and "right now". Behind me, Steve was cracking up, unable to believe the whole bloody mess. The lady shot me a triumphant look. "Sit down, sir. Someone will be with you in a minute."

"I don't want to sit down," was all I got out before some geek in a blue uniform grabbed my arms and gave me a shove. Everything after that is kind of hazy except the floor coming up to meet me. I don't remember hitting it, but I must have because I had a bruise on the side of my face later.

The next thing I remember is waking up feeling like one of the circus elephants had stepped on my shoulder. Some bloke in green scrubs was taking my pulse, and when I tried to sit up, he pressed me back down onto the table. "Not a good idea," he warned me.

Too late. I rolled onto my side and threw up. I'm not sure which was worse, the pain in my shoulder, or the nausea. I'll give the bloke credit, though, he just stepped out of range, and when I was done retching, he wiped my face with a towel. "Sorry, mate," I choked out.

He eased me down onto my back. "No problem, hurts like hell, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

"You allergic to Demerol?" he asked, making some notes on a clipboard. Meantime, he gestured to one of the other guys, "Get someone to clean this up." I wanted to suggest the lady at the front desk but thought that might be rude.

"No," I told him, "could you hurry it up?"

"Right now soon enough?" he asked me, holding up a syringe. The needle looked about a foot long. To my great relief, he injected it into the IV I hadn't even realized was running into the back of my right hand.

"Thanks, mate," was all I got out before I sort of floated away on a really nice cloud.

I don't know how long I was out. I had these dreams where I was back hanging off the helicopter, only it was real ammunition being fired at me, and I only had one good arm to hold on with, so I kept falling off the bloody thing and cart wheeling through the sky like a fuckin' boomerang. I dreamed that over and over until I was almost glad to wake up, even though my shoulder was throbbing like the hammers of Hell.

I opened my eyes to find Mick, my personal assistant, leaning over me, lookin' real worried. I took that as a sign that I had really done it this time. "Hey," I croaked at him. I wondered if I could have another jab of that Demerol, like, right then.

"You need surgery, mate," he told me. "You want to have it here or back home?" Trust Mick to get straight to the point. I guess he'd learned not to beat around the bush with me; a couple years' followin' me around, sortin' out the tangle of press interviews, film bookings, travel arrangements, hotels, and every other kind of bullshit you could think of had toughened him up.

"Home," I answered, "they might do the wrong shoulder here."

Mick grinned, "Yeah, I heard you had a bit of difficulty, mate. I'll make the arrangements - here's the sawbones with a big ol' needle for ya."

It was the same doc. He repeated the needle in the IV trick and I was outa there on my cloud before I had a chance to say thanks.

At least this time I dreamed something different. No more helicopters. This time I was wrestling with the tigers from Gladiator. This time, they were winning. I kept dreaming that Tara, the big female declawed one was licking me all over. It wasn't really unpleasant, but she was jarring my whole body, and that hurt. I groaned and opened my eyes. "Stop licking me," I said.

I heard Mick laugh and realized it was a dream. "Bloody hell," I mumbled. "Don't give me any more of that shit, I've had the stupidest dreams."

"Getting licked?" Mick asked, "I'd think you'd enjoy that, mate."

"Remember the big female tiger in Malta?" I asked him, being careful not to move around much.

He held a cup of water with one of those flexible straws so I could get a drink. "Oh, yeah. I remember her."

He should. He'd about split a gut laughing because she had this antipathy towards me and would carry on somethin' fierce every time I walked within ten feet of her, which, thankfully, wasn't very often. I had finally turned and growled right back at her after her bitchin' had ruined a couple of takes of the tiger fight scene. She had sat down and blinked at me like a big dog. After that, she wouldn't look at me. I think she couldn't suss out what I was, so she decided to pretend I wasn't there. Tigers. Go figure.

Anyhow, they put my left arm in a sling and let me go with a big bottle of some kind of super painkillers and the warning that they weren't responsible because I left without getting surgery they recommended. I did get to thank the doctor who'd been nice, and I did get to scowl at the admitting desk lady, but the whole trip to the airport and onto a plane was so uncomfortable, that wasn't much satisfaction. Once we took off, headed for LAX and a Qantas jet home, I popped two of the pills and reclined my seat. I vaguely remember the flight attendant draping a blanket over me, then I was out of it the whole flight. One nice thing about flyin' first class is that the seats are bigger and you get more leg room. Since I had two seats to myself, it was like bein' in a big comfy bed.

LAX was a mad house. The Summer Olympics were starting in Sydney - a fact I'd conveniently forgotten in the heat of learning to be an acrobat - and we were lucky to get two seats out of Los Angeles. Thank God, most folks on their way to Sydney weren't going first class. Mick took the aisle seat and I crashed in the window seat with my feet shoved under the seat in front of him so I had more room. He was used to this, bless him, and just grumbled something about hazardous duty pay before I took two more tablets and blanked out.

I woke up a couple hours later, feeling stoned. A little kid about eight or nine was staring solemnly at me. "Hey, mate," I croaked at him, rubbing my face.

"Hello," he said in a respectful voice. He held out a small book and pen. "Mr. Crowe, would you sign my book?"

He was so polite, I couldn't refuse. Mick helped me balance the book while I wrote in it since I was basically one-handed. "What's your name?" I asked him.

"Theodore Jervis Archer II," he said.

"Crikey, that's a mouth full, isn't it?" I asked, dutifully writing it all out. I added, "Nice to meet you!" and handed him back his pen and book. "What are you going to do in Australia?"

"I'm going to the Olympics," he said, smiling for the first time. "My mom is riding in them."

"Oh, riding, is she? A tractor?" I teased.

"No," he said, extreme patience on his face. "A horse. She rides over jumps."

I nodded, "Oh, I see. Well, wish her good luck, mate, but I'm barracking for the Aussie team."

"Barracking?" he echoed me.

I exchanged glances with Mick, who was highly amused by the kid, as I was. "Um, I guess you yanks would call it 'rooting' - I'm for the Aussie team." I didn't bother telling him that "rooting" was Oz slang for something else entirely. He'd probably find that out soon enough once he got to Sydney.

"Oh," he said, nodding. "Well, that's fair, isn't it?" Then he waved good-bye and went back to his seat. I turned to see where he was sitting and saw him showing his book to a young brunette about three rows back. She looked up and I gave her a brief wave. She nodded, and turned back to listen to her son enthuse about our conversation. Nice kid. Nice lady. I sighed. Maybe someday.

Mick held out the pill bottle. "Is it that obvious?" I asked.

"Yup. You look about as good as a billy full of shit."

"Oh, thanks mate, that really inspires confidence."

I took two more pills and a nice attendant brought me some ice water, and I was shortly back in dreamland. This time, I was riding my horse across the Outback. It was nothing like the territory near my farm, but more like the desert around Ayers Rock, Uluru, with red dust and goanas everywhere. I had toured all over that part of Oz, but on my Harley, not on a horse. I suppose I had it all mixed up in my mind with the kid's mum and my own foggy brain. When we landed at Sydney I was more whipped than when we left LA hours before.

I had thought LAX was a zoo. Sydney's international arrivals terminal was like a zoo mixed up with a foot race and dozens of reporters thrown in. I walked off the plane with Mick runnin' interference for me, took one look at the crowds surging through the place and almost got right back on board. Mick, bein' the resourceful fellow he is, commandeered one of those carts and drivers and ensconced me and our portable bags on it, and we were shortly whizzing through the place. I put on my shades, tryin' to be inconspicuous, feelin' like an idiot riding instead of walking, but there was no way I could've gotten through that place with my shoulder the way it was and not killed somebody for bumping into me.

I was mobbed by reporters despite my sunglasses. I felt like climbing onto the top of the cart and yelling for the cops, but Mick drove them away by telling them fiercely to go find an athlete to bother, that I wasn't in the mood for the press. It actually worked, at least, long enough for us to get out of the terminal and into a cab. Of course, that day and the next the papers carried stories about how I had arrived back in Australia unannounced, and been miffed that the Olympic athletes got all the attention. I had been, according to various reporters, surly, profane, smoking like a chimney, scowling and ungracious. It was interesting to me that I didn't remember speaking to any of these reporter folks, and I had really been glad they were mobbing the athletes and not me for a change. Some bloke had gotten a few pictures of me getting into the cab lookin' like death warmed over, and just about every paper ran that with its article. Sometimes I wonder that they don't blame me for bad weather.

We spent the night at Mick's place in Sydney, then flew down to Melbourne the next morning for me to see a sports medicine doctor. I thought that term was funny, sports medicine. I never thought of the stuff I did - or rather, attempted to do - as a sport, but I supposed nearly ripping one's arm out of the socket qualified as that whether it was from playin' footy or just doin' something bloody stupid like I had.

The doctor was a real rugged lookin' fella, a rugby player in his youth he said, and he examined me without hurtin' me too much. I guess he knew I was about at the end of my rope. When he was done and I was dressed and sittin' back in his office, he told me I had something called a post-traumatic SLAP injury. I thought that was a bit off, but he explained it stood for Subacromial Labral Anterior-Posterior injury, which meant I had ripped the biceps tendon loose from the bone in my shoulder. This meant my arm was just sort of dangling by the muscle and nerves alone without the ligament that tied everything together. "This," he explained to me with a straight face, "is somewhat painful."

"Too right," I agreed. "So what's next?"

"What's next, is we go in via the arthroscope - that's a tiny camera-like thing - and I scrape any ragged edges off the bone, then put the ligament back where it's supposed to be and use these plugs to hammer the ends back in place. Some folk only need one, but you've ripped it loose on both sides, so you'll need two plugs."

"Hammer?" I echoed. Of course, that was the one word in what he'd said that I really understood.

"Don't worry, you'll be out. We'll give you some really nice meds, put you out like a light, and do the repair double quick."

I asked what was bothering me most, "How long?"

"Oh, about an hour, I'd say." He was busily writing orders in my file.

"No, I mean after - how long until I can get back to what I was doin'?"

He looked up. "Oh, sorry. Well - I'm not sure you will."

I let that sink in for a couple of minutes. "Let's say I do. How long?"

"Eight to ten weeks, and a lot of physical therapy."

"Eight to ten. . .! Bloody oath, man! I have a film to make - I've just left a whole production team twisting in the wind back in the States. What are they gonna do without me for eight to ten weeks?"

"Ah, a film," he said, rubbing his face. "Well, Mr. Crowe - Russell - you're not just going to have surgery, you're going to need physical therapy and rest. And you're going to have to take it easy on yourself. If you reinjure this same shoulder, you could be permanently crippled."

"Wonderful!" I barked. "Just fuckin' great!" It wasn't his fault though. If it was anybody's fault, it was mine for trying to do a big stunt when I wasn't ready for it. "Okay, where do I sign? I need this fixed and over with."

The next morning, they went in and fixed my shoulder. I spent the night in hospital, gettin' pumped full of muscle relaxants and pain meds, so by the time they wheeled me down to the operatin' room I was pretty mellow. Hell, I was ready to sing "Waltzing Matilda" at the top of my lungs if I could've talked anyone into singin' with me. None of them would, though.

Before that, though, I got into a barney with an orderly who wanted me to put on these ridiculous paper pajama pants. I saw no reason to do that, there was nothing wrong with my boxers. Besides, as I told the bloke, "It's my fuckin' arm they're workin' on, mate, not my ass." He didn't argue, just went and fetched the head nurse, who finally agreed that I could leave on my underpants and leave off the stupid paper ones. One round for our side.

Then there was the business about shaving me. The doc hadn't warned me about that.

"Y'what?" I said, sitting up and almost falling off the bleedin' gurney. "Nothin' wrong with me armpit, mate - I'm clean!" I would've lifted my arm to show the bloke with the razor, only it was my bad arm.

"Now, Mr. Crowe," the guy began. Everything in my adult life that I haven't wanted to do has started out with those three words, "Now, Mr. Crowe." It's like a magical spell, only it doesn't paralyze me, it pisses me off.

"NO!" I yelled, and actually had my feet on the floor, which was ice cold. I couldn't stand up straight, so I settled for leaning against the side of the cart with my left arm clamped to my side. It didn't work, of course. Another big bloke came out of the operatin' room to see why I wasn't in there, and between the two of them, I was shortly back on the cart, rollin' into the surgery suite. "Y'don't need to shave me!" I was still insisting.

Dr. Seaforth walked over and gave me one of those, "And just why are we not bein' a good boy?" looks, then he just nodded to some other bloke and said, "Start the Versed and then do it." I wasn't sure what Versed was, but found out a minute later when it felt like I just floated up off the table, totally relaxed. I very dimly remember him saying, "Now, shave him. I don't think he's going to fight you."

Talk about takin' advantage of a bloke! Hell, they even moved my arm - which nobody could've done before they gave me that Versed stuff - shaved my armpit clean as a whistle, and walked off, leavin' me to the mercy of Dr. Seaforth. He just leaned down, winked at me over his mask, and said, "Nighty-night, Russell." Quick as that, they put something else in the IV and I was outa there.

I woke up what seemed like a minute later, but from the way my whole left shoulder and arm were numb, and my throat was dry and scratchy, it must've been a long time later. Mick leaned down and told me they were through and it looked fine, then I floated out again. The next time I woke up, the numbness was gone and I thought I was gonna die. "Christ almighty," I said, and I rarely use the Lord's name in vain, so that should tell ya the level of discomfort.

A really nice lady who looked a lot like my mum came over and brushed my hair out of my eyes, feeling my forehead. "Soon be better, luv," she promised, and she was right. They must've put that Demerol stuff in my IV line because I was shortly feeling no pain at all. The lady - who was actually Doc Seaforth's nurse I found out later - smiled and patted my hand. "Sleep now, you need it."

She was right. They started me doin' some therapy exercises the very next day, and believe me, I did not want to do that yet. I went back to Sydney with Mick and spent a couple of days restin' at his place, gradually doin' some of the exercises, and even workin' with a physical therapist who came to his apartment, and a week after the surgery went back to Melbourne to see the doc again.

He had me move and grip things, and checked me all out. I had a couple of tiny little incisions, a stubbly armpit that was driving me crazy, and some lingering achiness that got worse after I did the exercises. But, he said, by and large I just had to heal and would be back to pretty good shape in a few months. There was that term again, "pretty good shape" and "months". He saw my face and said, "Russell, there is no way you can do those acrobatics again. Your right shoulder isn't much better than your left one was before you ripped that tendon loose, and if you try that Spanish Veil stuff or anything similar, you're going to cripple yourself."

Well, isn't that just peachy? I thought. I would show HIM!

I drove from Sydney to the farm, a bit over 300 miles, shifting gears with my left arm all the way, knowing Dr. Seaforth would have had a fit if he'd known about it, but I looked on it as more therapy. Once I got home, I had my mum's disapproval to deal with, though I know she was secretly pleased I had come home to heal. She immediately started feedin' me all my favorite foods, tryin' to get me fat - which I didn't need - but the thought was nice.

By the time Christmas came around, I had done a lot of exercising and could almost use my arm normally again, but I couldn't do one-armed push-ups any more and that really bothered me. I decided, though, to be prudent for once and not force my body to do something it just wasn't going to cooperate in. Besides, I didn't want to go through the same thing on my right shoulder any time soon.

I started out 2001 in relatively good shape physically, which was good, because things started goin' downhill emotionally and romance-wise right about then. I won't bore you with all the bloody details, everything that could be published about my private life (except the truth) has been printed ad nauseam in every rag, tabloid and magazine all over the world. The negative events in my life then were overcome somewhat by a surprise - another Best Actor nomination for an Academy Award, this time for Gladiator. I never thought that performance would get a nomination because the film was so successful commercially, and usually those big block buster films aren't considered "deep" enough to merit anything more than some cinematography, sound and costume nominations. I gathered my cavalry and headed off on a three month round of awards shows, publicity tours, special film screenings, press conferences, more awards shows, conferences with the producers and director of my next film, and more awards shows. In between all that, I managed to have a fairly good time.

The night of March 24th, 2001 everything really got crazy. I was off on what was gonna be a really crazy year, and I wished I had someone to cuddle up to and talk about things with. Not to sound like a whiner, but I felt really alone in the crowds that whole year. Maybe that's why, when the following year I got a second Academy Award for "A Beautiful Mind", I chucked the whole crazy round and went home to Australia.

I told everybody to fuck off and leave me alone, and those were the blokes I liked. I won't even go into what I said to some of the others. I barricaded myself in, added a lot of acreage around the perimeter of the farm, and spent the next two years just hibernating, wondering if they'd all just forget about me. I hoped they would. Well, for the first year and a half or so, I hoped they would. After that, I wasn't so sure I wanted to be a farmer the whole rest of my life. Then I started hearing about my new agent in the States wantin' to talk to me about some projects.

I guess you know the rest. Oh, and I never did get to do that film where I did my acrobatics. Too bad, I looked real good up on that Net thing, until I fell off it.


 

 

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Photographs of Russell Crowe courtesy of various fan sites.